Trevor Noah served up a four-course progressive dinner on Tuesday night in another “Too Much News, Too Little Time,” segment, touching on the college admissions cheating scandal, Pelosi’s announcement that she will not seek to impeach President Trump, Mitt Romney’s all-Twinkie birthday cake, and the confrontation between NBA player Russell Westbrook and a heckler. We can all pretend we care about the impeachment thing more than we care about spoiled rich kids buying their way into good schools, but we’re not fooling anybody.

You know you’ve screwed up when your scandal breaks on the same day Mitt Romney blows out the candles on his Twinkie birthday cake one-by-one and somehow you’re still the day’s most mesmerizing trainwreck. There’s never a bad day to revisit Herman J. Blume’s chapel speech from Rushmore, but today it seems especially appropriate:

This guy ⁓⁓ best chapel speaker I have ever seen.