Brow Beat

Trump’s Campaign Manager Says He’s Building an “Unstoppable Apparatus” and Only Stephen Colbert Noticed

Stephen Colbert, raising one eyebrow in alarm.
Nothing to worry about.

On Monday night, America’s late night hosts had a little fun with the objectively hilarious stream of lies from Donald Trump about mistakenly calling Tim Cook “Tim Apple.” There’s no way to talk or even think about “Tim Apple” without cracking up, so everybody knocked it out of the park. Judged strictly on “Tim Apple” jokes, Seth Meyers’ version was probably the funniest, for correctly pointing out that Trump’s first lie didn’t even make sense on its own terms:

“Tim Cook Apple” doesn’t make any more sense than “Tim Apple.” … The story you want us to believe is that you didn’t say, “We appreciate it very much, Tim Apple,” you said, “We appreciate it very much, Tim Cook Apple?” If you’re gonna lie, at least improve your situation! “Officer, I have not been drinking because I was doing too much cocaine.”

But although Stephen Colbert’s “Tim Apple” bit didn’t quite get the blue ribbon—though, to be clear, it’s hilarious, like each and every joke anyone will ever write about the president of the entire country calling someone “Tim Apple” and then lying about it—he still exceeded all of his colleagues by leaps and bounds, because he was the only late night host who noticed that the Trump campaign just claimed to be building an “unstoppable apparatus”:

The ominous news comes from the Washington Post’s exposé of Donald Trump’s demented scheme to somehow remain President of the United States, which, astonishingly enough, included no follow-up questions about the unstoppable apparatus. It’s easy to Monday-morning quarterback these things, though, and to be fair to the Post, not only is the unstoppable apparatus top secret, Parscale is a notoriously prickly interview. For example, here’s his answer to an innocuous question about upcoming campaign events in his home state of Kansas:

It’s too bad the Post didn’t push harder—especially about that race of atomic supermen!—but Colbert has done us a great service by bringing the unstoppable apparatus to everyone’s attention. One thing’s for sure: Whatever the unstoppable apparatus turns out to be, it’s probably nothing to worry about!