One of the many awful things about the Trump presidency is that in order to understand virtually any decision Donald Trump makes, you have to become deeply knowledgeable about webs of white supremacist resentments and conspiracy theories that are simultaneously so complicated and so very, very stupid that you can feel your brain fizzing away inside your skull like a salted slug whenever you have to think about them. During previous presidencies, it wouldn’t have made sense to ask, “Why is the president publicly denouncing Saturday Night Live?” because no president would ever waste their time doing such a thing. Under Trump, not only is that a question worth asking, but before even beginning to arrive at an answer, you have to have a handle on mind-murdering Trump lore going back at least as far as the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner. But when answering the simplest question about a Trump tweet—“Why?”—requires such a deep dive into the shallow end of the pool, it can be hard to see the scope of the problem. Until Seth Meyers pulls back the camera with a MicroMachine monologue running through all the stupid things the president tweeted about in a single weekend—not explaining the tweets, which would take hours, just surveying the scope of the president’s interests—and the horror strikes anew. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s brain-bubbling time:
Here’s Meyers’ survey course in the president’s weekend tweets, complete with links:
The President of the United States tweeted over fifty times in one weekend. He retweeted Fox News a bunch of times, attacked John McCain; General Motors; Google, Hillary, and China, all in one tweet; the Paris Climate Accord; Obama, the FBI, and CIA; Robert Mueller; Saturday Night Live; Hillary again; John McCain again; called on Fox News to bring back a host he likes; retweeted Fox News; attacked Fox News; the United Auto Workers; General Motors again; retweeted multiple conspiracy theorists; a bunch of random people; accused Democrats of trying to steal the election, and in the middle of all that, he also found time to tweet, “Happy St. Patrick’s Day!” which is appropriate since he tweets like he’s in the middle of a bar crawl.
That is a lot of things for a president to tweet about, but with all due respect, the St. Patrick’s Day tweet wasn’t the weirdest thing Donald Trump did on Twitter over the weekend. The weirdest thing Donald Trump did on twitter over the weekend was retweeting several of his own tweets from March 15, including this one, which I reluctantly admit is a masterpiece of outsider art:
So the thing about slugs is it’s not the salt that kills them, exactly, but the extreme dehydration that follows exposure. What I’m saying is if you watched that Seth Meyers video or read any of Donald Trump’s recent tweets, you should ask your doctor if “getting trepanned, then pouring a gallon of Orange Gatorade into the hole in your skull” is right for you. At this point, it’s not like it could make things worse, right?