Sports

Seven Scenarios In Which You Will Tell Your Grandchildren About Super Bowl LIII

ATLANTA, GEORGIA - FEBRUARY 03: Greg Zuerlein #4 and Johnny Hekker #6 of the Los Angeles Rams react in the first quarter against the New England Patriots during Super Bowl LIII at Mercedes-Benz Stadium on February 03, 2019 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)
Let’s all forget about this one, shall we?
Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

The New England Patriots’ 13-3 victory over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday was the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in history. The longest play was a punt, and it also happened to be one of the only highlights. There was just a single red zone possession all game, and, to add insult to injury, Maroon 5 played the halftime show.

Come Monday morning, even the most die-hard football fan will be hard-pressed to list more than three on-field moments of note. By Tuesday, we will have forgotten about the game altogether as our brain’s hormonal response kicks in to wash away moments of extreme boredom. This was not a Super Bowl for the ages, but maybe—just maybe—you will one day find yourself in a position to talk about it. It’s highly unlikely, but here are the seven scenarios in which you will find yourself telling your progeny about Super Bowl LIII.

1. You need to teach your grandchildren about the dangers of sports betting and you happen to be the anonymous guy, “Bettor X,” who wagered seven figures on Jared Goff. (In retrospect, it was extremely smart to stay anonymous, Bettor X.)

2. They ask you about how the Great Corn Wars began.

3. You are third-string Patriots running back Rex Burkhead, and you have every reason to be proud of your 43-yard performance.

4. Your grandson is sick and you’re going for a Princess Bride type thing, but you also hate him.

5. Catastrophic climate change has turned America into an uninhabitable wasteland. In order to raise your family’s spirits as you embark on a dangerous journey to obtain potable water, you explain that things weren’t always great in the Before Times, either. “There were so many punts, children,” you’ll say.

6. “Why don’t football games have halftimes anymore, Paw-Paw,” your granddaughter asks. She only makes it through 10 seconds of “Moves Like Jagger” before collapsing in tears. It will be your last time babysitting.

7. They refuse to believe there was once a time when Cleveland didn’t win every Super Bowl, and so you have no choice but to tell them about the last pre-Browns championship team. “It sounds awful,” they exclaim.

“It was,” you say. “It was.”