Hello, Slate readers. I’m reporting to you from an alternate universe where everything on Earth is more or less the same: Donald Trump is still the president, Amazon is still not opening a headquarters in New York City, and “7 Rings” is playing on every radio station. There is, however, one key difference: In this timeline, the Oscars are being hosted by Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler.
In my dreams, anyway. In reality, of course, the Oscars have no official host, and the individual award presenters have been left to handle all of the segues and jokes. However, Rudolph, Fey, and Poehler did show up at the very beginning to crack some jokes about the Academy’s many planning gaffes. “We don’t be doing awards during the commercials, but we will be presenting commercials during the awards,” said Poehler. “So if all the winners could all say Hellman’s Mayonnaise: We’re on the side of food instead of their speeches, that would be great.”
They also offered a taste of what the ceremony would be like if they did host, with some rapid-fire movie-title puns and celebrity impressions. (All Rudolph’s Sam Elliott is missing is the mustache.) To imagine what that alternate timeline was like, we’ll have to stretch that three-minute clip into four glorious hours in our minds and throw in some riffing on individual winners’ speeches and delivering a few more fake proposals.