Wow! Wow! I don’t know what to say! This is such an honor! I have to be honest, I wasn’t actually watching the Golden Globes when Christian Bale gave his acceptance speech for winning Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture. Awards season has been kind of a drag for me now that I don’t have Harvey Weinstein to root for anymore, and if I wanted to listen to rich people thanking God for good fortune he had nothing to do with, I’d watch football, which at least has chronic traumatic encephalopathy. So it wasn’t until my social media started blowing up—you would be amazed how much time I spend on Twitter—that I found out that Christian Bale gave me a shoutout for the help I gave him in Vice. Thank God for YouTube, however begrudgingly:
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I was an angel, but now that it’s here, I don’t know what to say. When Christian asked my advice on how to play the role of Vice President Dick Cheney, I was flattered, of course, but mostly I thought he was talking to the wrong guy. It’s true that I played Dick at a few press conferences and donor events when he had enhanced interrogations to attend to—what are friends for?—but after standing in for him on that hunting trip, we both agreed it was best that he handle his own appearances going forward. And Christian Bale asking me for help? The man whose performance in Newsies was a big, shiny apple of sexual knowledge for an entire generation? I should have been asking him for advice on luring tweens into eternal damnation, you know?
But I can’t turn down a free lunch, so I sat down with Christian at Soho House and we talked about the role. I’ll tell you what I told him: No one can be Dick Cheney except Dick Cheney, but at the same time, anyone can become Dick Cheney. I told him that because I didn’t think it would be helpful advice—helping people isn’t really my thing—but he took it and ran with it, and here we all are. Only in Hollywood!
There are so many people who’ve helped me get here that I’m sure I’ll forget some, but I’m gonna try. Thank you to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association: The work you do is very important to me, and I am so proud and grateful to be here tonight. A big shoutout to Richard Arthur Prince, Robert Blake, O.J. Simpson, and John Wilkes Booth. We made it, boys, this is for all of us! Harvey—what can I even say? So much of my work wouldn’t have been possible without you. Thank you to everyone at CAA, UTA, WME—hell, talent agents in general!—plus studio heads, producers, and the hardworking people in the marketing department. Moloch, Mammon, you can go to sleep now, I’ll be home soon. If I forgot to thank you, rest assured that there’ll be plenty of time for me to make it up to you later.
But before I get off this stage, I want to take a moment to talk about something that’s very important to me: sins. You should do them. Behold! all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, shewn unto you. All this power I will give thee, and the glory of them, if—are you playing me off? Are you fucking PLAYING ME OFF?