Hi! Beloved Treasury Secretary and Wonder Woman executive producer Steven Mnuchin here. You probably weren’t expecting to hear from me over the holidays, especially since I’m on vacation in Mexico, but I just wanted to pop in and let the American people know that there’s no danger that every last bank in the country will suddenly run out of money on Monday. In fact, I was so concerned that you might be afraid that the economic system would abruptly grind to a halt within 24 hours, I spent part of my vacation calling bank CEOs on their vacations so I could bring you this confident, forward-looking statement that says, apropos of nothing, that I have no reason to believe that your life savings will be as worthless as paper in the face of what’s coming on Monday, which is nothing. Nothing is coming on Monday, except for a big meeting which I am convening on Christmas Eve so that we can all talk about how everything is totally fine and good and cool and we definitely won’t be stabbing each other in the streets over scraps of bread by Christmas morning. Why, what have you heard?
Of course, once you start reassuring the American people, it’s hard to stop. So here are a few other matters I hope we can clear up once and for all:
• According to NASA, there is virtually no chance that the Large Hadron Collider will cause an uncontrollable chain reaction at 12:04 p.m. EST on Christmas Day that will create a miniature black hole near Geneva, sucking the entire planet—and eventually, the solar system—into a space the size of a pencil eraser. There was no particular reason I asked NASA to evaluate the risk of that exact possibility at that precise time—I just thought you might be worried about it. So today, the day before Christmas Eve, I skipped part of my vacation to investigate. And guess what? It’s all good!
• After a fifteen-hour emergency meeting that stretched from late last night until early this morning, the Delaware River Basin Commission has issued a report stating definitively that there’s no chance that the river will be transformed into blood as a sign of God’s displeasure with the people of the Delaware River Basin. I cannot stress this enough: There’s absolutely no reason to be worried about this happening, and also no reason to doubt that the DRBC’s stockpiles of clotting agents would be insufficient to stop a tsunami of blood from reaching Philadelphia, if we were expecting a tsunami of blood to be traveling down the Delaware river, which, and I cannot emphasize this enough, we are not.
• The FDA informs me that, government shutdown or no, it is very unlikely to announce on Wednesday that 95% of the “ground beef” sold in the United States between 1964 and 2018 was actually pure, unadulterated garden slug. So, for once, you can enjoy your Christmas dinner without that nagging doubt in the back of your mind that the entire food industry is built on gastropods and lies and it’s only a matter of time before the FDA blows the whistle on the whole thing. Eat with confidence!
• The head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has assured me that there is no vampire outbreak, and if there were one, it’d be under control, and there would definitely not be any reason to fear that the “head vampire” was still on the loose. Tomorrow, I will be convening a call with the President’s Working Group of Vampire Hunters to discuss the risk of vampire attacks, which I would like to reassure the American people is zero. I just like convening calls!
I hope this answers any questions you may have had about these suspiciously specific concerns that you should definitely not be wasting your time worrying about or looking into, and that now, you and your family can enjoy the rest of your holiday season in peace. At least until Thursday … but I’ve said too much already.