Brow Beat

Stephen Colbert Has Some Ideas to Spruce Up Trump’s “Artistically Designed” Border Wall

Stephen Colbert delivering a monologue.
Don’t these people watch House Hunters?

The wonderful—and frankly, unexpected—news that the Democrats had successfully avoided a government shutdown without allocating a dime for the President’s stupid, stupid wall has everyone feeling a little giddy, and Stephen Colbert was no exception. Here’s how his writer’s room tackled the astonishing news that the Democratic leadership got what they wanted from a negotiation:

It’s been so long since a late-night host had good news to deliver that it’s hard to really judge Colbert’s performance—against what, Carson?—but this is admirably concise:

Good news! Here’s something I did not think I’d be saying today: The government still exists.

You couldn’t cut a word, because unless you tell your audience ahead of time that, in this particular instance, it’s good news that the government headed by Donald Trump still exists, they would naturally assume the worst: Trump somehow got to Colbert. Properly prepared, however, the audience gives Colbert a solid ten seconds of applause for the news that no money has been allocated for Trump’s “artistically designed steel slats.” If we’re all very lucky, we can expect Colbert to deliver good news again sometime in early February, when the Democrats again refuse to spend your money or mine on a 2,000 mile long monument to white supremacy. Tune in.