Jimmy Kimmel, who unexpectedly vaulted onto the political stage in May of last year with a moving speech about health care policy, has stubbornly refused to leave the arena. Since then, the late night host has been using his show to promote a wide variety of social issues ranging from gun control to the abolition of pumpkin spice pizza. So it was no surprise that he dedicated a few minutes of Wednesday night’s show to a brand new crusade: getting them to make a meatball emoji. Here’s his plea to Jennifer 8. Lee of Emojination, complete with a PowerPoint presentation and Guillermo-powered visual aid:
As we’ve all discovered over the past few years, Kimmel is a passionate and formidable advocate for the causes he believes in, and he believes in a meatball emoji. But even if Kimmel succeeds in his immediate goal, the crusade will not end when people everywhere can express their interest in eating a meatball, serving a meatball, or throwing a meatball at their enemies with one convenient emoji. To prevent us from falling into an abyss of unintelligible pictogram attempts to convey the idea of even the simplest meatball-related concepts—there’s not even a submarine emoji yet!—Kimmel is going to need at least nine additional emoji. Here’s the long-term meatball and meatball-related emoji roadmap, complete with definitions:
• A meatball sub emoji: I would like a meatball sub.
• A meatballs emoji: My hunger for meatballs is such that I would like more meatballs than the single meatball depicted in the meatball emoji.
• A meatballs sub emoji: I would like a meatballs sub.
• A meatballs subs emoji: All of them! All the meatballs! All the subs!
• A Meatballs emoji: I would like to watch or perhaps eat the 1979 Bill Murray vehicle Meatballs.
• A Meatballs Part II emoji: I am not yet aware that Bill Murray did not appear in the 1984 sequel to Meatballs.
• An original meatball illustration from “The Wonderful Sausage” in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark emoji: My parents should probably have paid closer attention to what I was reading when I was younger, because things are pretty fucked up in here!
• A Meatball emoji: I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.
• A Meatballs III: Summer Job emoji: I am a masochist
It will take time, conviction, and no small amount of effort to change the prevailing toxic culture of the internet into something more welcoming, humane, and meatball-oriented. Unfortunately for the anti-meatball-emoji lobby, Jimmy Kimmel has plenty of all three.