This story has been updated with new developments pertaining to the whereabouts of Mark Ruffalo’s backpack since it was originally published.
Actor Mark Ruffalo has activated the rarely-used Mark Ruffalo alert system to issue a Mark Ruffalo Alert on a matter of interest to Mark Ruffalo: Mark Ruffalo’s backpack is missing! As a public service, we have obtained permission to reproduce the Mark Ruffalo Alert in these pages, in hopes that even readers who have not kept up to date on the latest Mark Ruffalo-related developments will now be on the lookout for Mark Ruffalo’s missing backpack. And now, a word from Mark Ruffalo:
Although the contents of Mark Ruffalo’s backpack have yet to be revealed, scientists speculate that it will grant the powers of Mark Ruffalo to anyone who finds it, puts it on and speaks the following incantation, first recorded in a 1673 treatise about witchcraft:
Ruffalo ruffalo Ruffalo ruffalo ruffalo ruffalo Ruffalo ruffalo.
Mark Ruffalo’s powers will presumably dwindle the longer he is separated from his backpack, which presents Mark Ruffalo’s enemies with an opportunity—and Mark Ruffalo with his toughest challenge yet. Best of luck to everyone on Manhattan, which will now be consumed in the flames of Purge-style anarchy as both people who are Mark Ruffalo and people who are not Mark Ruffalo desperately search for the missing backpack that matters the most to Mark Ruffalo: Mark Ruffalo’s missing backpack.
Update, Nov. 28, 2018, 3:06 p.m.: Mark Ruffalo’s backpack has been found! At 9:37 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, Mark Ruffalo announced that Mark Ruffalo’s backpack had been found—if not by Mark Ruffalo himself, then by the first person in a long chain of people passing Mark Ruffalo’s backpack back and forth until someone passed Mark Ruffalo’s backpack to the person Mark Ruffalo’s backpack mattered to the most: Mark Ruffalo:
Mark Ruffalo’s backpack is no longer missing. But for how long?