Brow Beat

Be Prepared for the First Teaser From Jon Favreau’s Lion King Remake

A photorealistic animated lion cub.
The Lion King is dead! Long live the Lion King! Disney

We know that your powers of retention
Are as wet as an orange in a vise,
So we’re betting you won’t pay attention,
If we sell you the same movie twice.
It’s clear from your box-office choices,
The lights are not all on upstairs,
When we remake old films with new voices,
Somehow asses still end up in chairs!
So prepare for the film of a lifetime,
(If your lifetime began in the aughts).
And as a distraction,
We’ll call it live-action.
A live-action feature?
With CGI creatures!
I know it looks sordid,
But we’ll be rewarded,
For avoiding original thoughts,
So let critics and fools put on airs,
No one cares!

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It’s great that Jon Favreau perfected,
A movie too old to rewatch!
The original film? We respect it!
Like your balls by a kick in the crotch.
The present is all that we care for,
The past is a revenue source,
The future’s a nightmare, and therefore,
We’ll remake it again in due course!
So prepare for the coming attractions,
Be prepared for the box office scams,
Meticulous snow-caps,
With uncanny mo-caps,
You clap like trained seals,
And that is why we’ll
Remake our old titles,
Our opening night’lls
Make shareholders holler, “Goddamn!”
Why waste cash paying would-be Molières?
No one cares!
Let’s watch money push culture down stairs!
No one cares!

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