Brow Beat

The Trailer for Netflix’s Death by Magic Shows the Streaming Service Is Still Risking Eternal Damnation Through the Forbidden Practice of Witchcraft

Magician Drummond Money-Coutts, in an extreme close-up, staring intently.
Intenſe. Netflix

Having lately publiſhed a Condemnation of Netflix Studios for their diſgraceful & impious trailer for Magic for Humans, demonſtrating therein many proofs Moſt Incontrovertible of the Exiſtence of Witchcraft, and shewing that Netflix was encouraging the vile, ſinful practiſe, ſo contrary to plain Scripture, the Author miſtakenly ſuppoſed the queſtion Settl’d and the World fix’d in its Judgement of the Matter. I thus reſolv’d to devote myſelf to the Study of the Law, in the Hope of reſtoring the long-neglected ſections of the criminal code pertaining to Actions Demoniacal before the next Beverly Hills Aſſizes ſo that the Perpetrators might not be ſuffered to live. I was greatly ſurpriz’d, therefore, when a Faithful Reader brought to my attention the ſo-called Comment Section, a ſort of unlicenſed pamphleteer who affixes the Unaſked-For Opinions of the General Publick unto the work of learned Scholars and Authors.

Upon being inform’d that my own words were being diſtributed accompany’d by Speculations on the subject of Witchcraft, many concluding that there neither is, nor can be, any ſuch thing, I was Rightfully Furious, but reſolv’d to conſider these Opinions with all the Coolneſs and Indifference imaginable, ſo as to come over to the Authors’ Side, if I found ſome Reaſon ſo to do. Accordingly, I perus’d the ſame, but was ſo far from being convinc’d of my having before entertain’d falſe Notions of the Matter, that I found myſelf oblig’d to Confute these Aſſertions in print. I thus compoſ’d a brief pamphlet, of pages numbering no more than a great groſs, anſering theſe ſpurious arguments Syſtematickally, with pages and pages of Scriptural Proofs and Elaborate Diagrams and a Witch’s Hat that could be cut from the very pages of the pamphlet by following a dotted line with Sciſſors, then aſſembl’d with Scotch Tape. But on completing this Great Work, I was diſmay’d to diſcover that my Publiſher was Pivoting to Video, and would regrettably no longer accept Manuſcripts Written in Crayon. Fortunately, the hereticks at Netflix prov’d my point for me anon, releaſing a trailer for another Televisory Program entitled Death by Magic, which will surely convince all Reaſonable Readers that Netflix is conſorting with Witches, Warlocks, &c.

Here we see the foul conſequenſes of ignoring the preſence of Black Magick on the nation’s premiere internet ſtreaming ſervice. Not a single perſon was brought to juſtice for the unholy acts of ſummoning and preſtidigitation in the trailer for Magic for Humans, ſo Netflix has mov’d on to the moſt forbidden realm of the dark arts, Necromancy. For, indeed, why would ſelf-ſtyled Magician Drummond Money-Coutts travel to the locations where magicians of the past croſſed over to their Eternal Damnation, unleſs it be to raiſe a ſkeleton army and O’ertopple Heav’n Itſelf? I ſhall leave it to my Reader to judge if the proofs ſhewn in the video are ſufficient to remove all doubt that Witchcraft Is Real, as certain preſſing matters—primarily, a diſpute with my former publiſher over the final diſpoſition of a Certain Manuſcript ſtill in his poſſeſſion—will demand my attention in the brief time remaining before the Skeleton Army Invasion. But I truſt that the trailer for Death by Magic must convince any, who have not resolv’d to ſhut their Eyes and harden their Hearts against the moſt evident Reaſon, and it is with a ſenſe of great ſatisfaction that I now lay down my quill and queue up the ſeaſon finale of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.