Sports

Bears Kicker Hits Uprights Four Times; Chicago Fails to Appreciate His Incredible Achievement

CHICAGO, IL - NOVEMBER 11:  Kicker Cody Parkey #1 of the Chicago Bears misses the field goal during the game against the Detroit Lions at Soldier Field on November 11, 2018 in Chicago, Illinois.  (Photo by Quinn Harris/Getty Images)
Doink!
Quinn Harris/Getty Images

According to the NFL rulebook, a goal post upright should “be no less than 3 inches and no more than 4 inches in diameter.” That’s pretty narrow! It’s just a little thicker than a soda can, which is what makes Cody Parkey’s accomplishment on Sunday against the Detroit Lions so amazing. The Chicago Bears kicker managed to hit the upright on four separate missed attempts.

He couldn’t even do that if he tried! is the obvious refrain, seeing as what he was trying to do was kick the ball between the uprights, which is a roomy 18 feet, 6 inches wide.

The first two doinks came during extra points in the first half, and a pair of thwacks greeted Parkey’s two second-half field goal attempts. Sadly, you don’t get any points for that kind of marksmanship, and Parkey won’t be the most popular guy in the Bears locker room after their 34-22 win.

Teams rarely stick with kickers after afternoons like the one Parkey just had, and a quick Twitter search for his name reveals more than a few frustrated Bears fans calling for his head. Complicating matters is the four-year, $15 million contract Parkey signed over the offseason (with $9 million guaranteed). That’s a lot of money to spend on a kicker, especially one who’s capable of accidentally knocking over soda cans from a distance of 40 yards.