Brow Beat

Encyclopedia Wohl and the Case of the Exclusive Documents

Fans Daisy England (L) and Charlie Mitchell (R) pose with Sherlock Holmes-style deerstalker hats and a magnifying glass around the new wax figure of British actor Benedict Cumberbatch as it is unveiled at Madame Tussauds in central London.
This wax figure of British actor Benedict Cumberbatch at Madame Tussauds in London may the only detective on earth with the same powers of deduction as Encyclopedia Wohl.
Leon Neal/AFP/Getty Images

Mr. and Mrs. Wohl had four children, one of whom was notable enough to make Mr. Wohl’s twitter bio. They called him Jacob, and so did his teachers.

Everyone else in town called him Encyclopedia.

An encyclopedia is a book or set of books giving information, arranged alphabetically, on all branches of knowledge.

Jacob Wohl’s brain was like an encyclopedia. It was dense, mostly made out of paper, and full of regrettable 19th century ideas about race. He was like a complete library walking around in sneakers.

Old ladies were always stopping him on the street to ask him questions about what young black people were up to.

His friend Matthew Cohen asked him more questions than anyone else. Mr. Cohen was a managing partner at Surefire Intelligence of Idaville.

The town had four banks, three movie theaters, and 27,714 hipster coffee shops. Idaville, however, only looked like the usual American town. It was, really, most unusual.

For nearly a whole year no criminal had escaped arrest and no boy or girl had got away with breaking a single law in Idaville. This was partly because the town’s policemen were clever and brave. But mostly it was because Managing Partner Cohen was Encyclopedia’s friend.

Mr. Cohen never said a word about the advice his friend gave him. Who would believe that his best detective was only ten years old?

Through his detective agency, Encyclopedia solved cases for children of the neighborhood. Occasionally he even solved cases for grown-ups. One day, a boy with black hair stopped in the doorway of the Wohl Detective Agency, in the family garage.

“My name is Jack Burkman. I want to hire you,” said the black-haired boy. Jack put two dimes and a nickel on the gasoline can beside Encyclopedia. The coins clinked. Encyclopedia stopped tweeting baseless conspiracy theories. He looked up, very businesslike.

“How can I help you?” he asked.

“I have a chance to trade my bicycle for some EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS,” said Jack. “I want to make sure the documents are real.”

“You don’t think the documents are really documents?” said Encyclopedia. “What do you think they are?”

“That obviously isn’t what I meant,” Jack said. “Are you sure you’re really a detective?”

“I’ll take your case,” said Encyclopedia. “If Bugs Meany is behind these documents, you’ll need help.”

“But I don’t want to hire you anymore!” said Jack. “Who is Bugs Meany? Where are you going?”

Encyclopedia, along with his bodyguards and junior partners Sally Kimball, Christoph Waltz, and Bar Refaeli, led their new client to the Tigers’ clubhouse, an unused tool shed behind Mr. Sweeny’s Auto Body Shop. The Tigers were busy racing garter snakes.

Bugs made a face when he saw Encyclopedia.

“So Mr. Brains is now an EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS know-it-all,” said the Tigers’ leader.  “Well, well! Well, well, well! Well, well, well, well!”

Encyclopedia walked to the table where the EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS lay.

“These EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS prove bad things about special counsel Robert Mueller,” Bugs said.

“If that’s true,” Jack said to Encyclopedia, “we can probably get a front-page story at Gateway Pundit!”

“Read what the EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS say,” said Bugs.

Encyclopedia read:

Robert Mueller did some bad things at the First Battle of Bull Run. These exclusive documents are certified absolutely true on this day, which is August 21, 1861. Incidentally, the Second Battle of Bull Run will happen in 1862, is my guess.

“I sure hate to part with the documents,” Bugs said. “But Jack wanted them so much I just had to say I’d trade it for his bike.”

“Trade? You won’t trade with Jack! These EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS are a FAKE NEWS CON JOB!” said Encyclopedia.

“No smart-aleck private detective is going to walk in here and call me a liar!” snarled Bugs.

FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS!” hollered Encyclopedia.

HOW DID ENCYCLOPEDIA KNOW THAT?

Solution to The Case of the Exclusive Documents

A hard-boiled egg will spin longer than an uncooked egg, every time! Also, although it’s not at all clear what the plan was, a surprising number of people in the story, from Bugs Meany to Bar Refaeli, seem to have actually been Encyclopedia Wohl wearing a fake mustache. What did you expect for twenty-five cents per day plus expenses, the FBI?