Sports

The Worst Part of That Putrid Titans-Jaguars Game

JACKSONVILLE, FL - SEPTEMBER 23:  Blake Bortles #5 of the Jacksonville Jaguars calls a play against the Tennessee Titans during their game at TIAA Bank Field on September 23, 2018 in Jacksonville, Florida.  (Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images)
Pity anyone who actually watched this mess.
Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

The Tennessee Titans beat the Jacksonville Jaguars 9-6 on Sunday in a game that should be wiped from the record books. Burn the footage and make everyone in attendance sign NDAs so they can’t poison the general public with descriptions of what they saw.

There were no touchdowns. The only highlight came before kickoff, when Titans lineman Taylor Lewan puked through his face mask.

It’s hard to pick a worst moment, but the brutal hit to Tennessee quarterback Blaine Gabbert was especially terrible. He suffered a concussion, and the Titans replaced him with usual starter Marcus Mariota, who had been held out due to nerve damage in his elbow. That Mariota even had to appear in the game was bad, yet he somehow managed to outduel Jacksonville’s Blake Bortles. The Jaguars quarterback stammered his way through the afternoon, passing for 158 yards on 31 throws.

It was an awful affair, but it was made even worse by the baffling uniform situation. I mean, what the hell is this?

JACKSONVILLE, FL - SEPTEMBER 23:  Blaine Gabbert #7 of the Tennessee Titans is sacked by Calais Campbell #93 of the Jacksonville Jaguars during their game at TIAA Bank Field on September 23, 2018 in Jacksonville, Florida.  (Photo by Julio Aguilar/Getty Images)
Julio Aguilar/Getty Images

The aquamarine of the Jacksonville pants was similar to Tennessee’s teal jerseys, and because both teams wore white as the other dominant color, the squads were nearly indistinguishable from each other during scrums.

That’s confusing! It looks like a bag of gummy sharks exploded. It’s a dang Trapper Keeper orgy. The game was a Magic Eye puzzle, except there was no reward for staring at this mess for hours on end.

All NFL teams have three separate uniforms, with three color options for both tops and bottoms. How did they decide on these ensembles? The Jaguars employ lifeguards at their stadium, would it kill them to keep a color theorist on staff?

The game was hard enough to watch without it being a blueberry cotton candy rorschach test, but that’s exactly what it was.