Brow Beat

Mark Wahlberg Has “Cryo Chamber Recovery” Scheduled for 9:30 a.m. Emily Dickinson Does Not.

Mark Wahlberg on a red carpet.
Mark Wahlberg, staying up past his bedtime to attend the premiere of Mile 22.
Leon Bennett/Getty Images

Mark Wahlberg recently posted a “typical daily schedule” on his Instagram page (it’s been removed since), and it is, let’s say, high-impact:

An image of Mark Wahlberg's daily schedule, which is reprinted in a slightly different text format below.
Mark Wahlberg / Instagram

Not only does the actor reportedly wake up at 2:30 every morning, he has an hour of each day scheduled for “cryo chamber recovery” and goes to bed at 7:30 every night, forgoing the delights of American prime-time television in favor of his health. There’s a long tradition of celebrities publishing their rigorously unpleasant-sounding schedules of self-improvement, but Wahlberg’s seems like the most rigorously unpleasant-sounding yet. It’s also the straw that broke the camel’s back when it comes to keeping track of what our overachieving celebrities are doing at any particular time of day. So to help you keep things straight, here are the Celebrity Self-Improvement listings for Sept. 13, 2018. For now, we’ll only be covering the major networks: Mark Wahlberg (Channel Ⓦ), Benjamin Franklin (Channel Ⓕ), Jay Gatsby (Channel Ⓖ), Emily Dickinson at Mt. Holyoke (Channel Ⓓ) and also, just to add a little more value, the listings for WLW-I (Channel ⑬), as published in the Muncie Star of Muncie, Indiana, on June 5, 1971.

CELEBRITY SELF-IMPROVEMENT LISTINGS, SEPT. 13, 2018

(Times and programs listed according to information furnished by celebrities.)

2:30 a.m.
Ⓦ—“wake up”

2:45 a.m.
Ⓦ—“prayer time”

3:15 a.m.
Ⓦ—“breakfast”

3:40 a.m.
Ⓦ—“workout”

5:00 a.m.
Ⓕ—“Rise, wash, and address Powerful Goodness; contrive day’s business and take the resolution of the day; prosecute the present study; and breakfast.”

5:30 a.m.
Ⓦ—“post-workout meal”

6:00 a.m.
Ⓦ—“shower”
Ⓖ—“Rise from bed”
Ⓓ—“We all rise”

6:15 a.m.
Ⓖ—“Dumbbell exercise and wall-scaling”

7:00 a.m.
Ⓓ—“We breakfast”

7:15 a.m.
Ⓖ—“Study electricity, etc.”

7:30 a.m.
Ⓦ—“golf”

8:00 a.m.
Ⓦ—“snack”
Ⓕ—“Work.”
Ⓓ—“Our study hours begin”
⑬—“Secret Chimp”

8:30 a.m.
Ⓖ—“Work”

9:00 a.m.
Ⓓ—“We all meet in Seminary Hall, for devotions.”
⑬—“Jerry Lewis”

9:30 a.m.
Ⓦ—“cryo chamber recovery”
⑬—“Double Deckers”

10:00 a.m.
Ⓓ—“I recite a review of Ancient History, in connection with which we read Goldsmith & Grimshaw.”
⑬—“Hot Wheels”

10:30 a.m.
Ⓦ—“snack”
⑬—“Sky Hawk”

11:00 a.m.
Ⓦ—“family time/ meetings/ work calls”
Ⓓ—“I recite a lesson in ‘Pope’s Essay on Man’ which is merely transposition.
⑬—“Motor Mouse”

11:30 a.m.
⑬—“Hardy Boys”

12:00 p.m.
Ⓕ—“Read or overlook my accounts, and dine.”
Ⓓ—“I practice Calisthenics.”
⑬—“Amer. Bandstand”

12:15 p.m.
Ⓓ—“I read until dinner.”

12:30 p.m.
Ⓓ—“dinner.”

1:00 p.m.
Ⓦ—“lunch”
⑬—“Larry Kane”

1:30 p.m.
Ⓓ—“I sing in Seminary Hall.”

2:00 p.m.
Ⓦ—“meetings/work calls”
Ⓕ—“Work.”
⑬—“Clover Power”

2:30 p.m.
⑬—“Sports Challenge”

2:45 p.m.
Ⓓ—“I practice upon the Piano.”

3:00 p.m.
Ⓦ—“pick up kids @ school”
⑬—“Nelson Golf Classic”

3:30 p.m.
Ⓦ—“snack”

3:45 p.m.
Ⓓ—“I go to Sections, where we give in all our accounts of the day, including, Absence—Tardiness—Communications—Breaking Silent Study hours—Receiving Company in our rooms & ten thousand other things, which I will not take time or place to mention.”

4:00 p.m.
Ⓦ—“workout #2”
⑬—“Wide Wld. of Spts.”

4:30 p.m.
Ⓓ—“We go into Seminary Hall and receive advice from Miss. Lyon in the form of lecture.”
Ⓖ—“Baseball and sports”

5:00 p.m.
Ⓦ—“shower”
Ⓖ—“Practice elocution, poise and how to attain it”

5:30 p.m.
Ⓦ—“dinner/family time”
⑬—“Hayride”

6:00 p.m.
Ⓕ—“Put things in their places, supper, music, or diversion, or conversation; examination of the day.”
Ⓓ—“Supper.”

6:30 p.m.
⑬—“Lawrence Welk”

7:00 p.m.
Ⓖ—“Study needed inventions”

7:30 p.m.
Ⓦ—“bedtime”
⑬—“Van Doonican”

8:00 p.m.
⑬—“Immortal”

8:45 p.m.
Ⓓ—“The retiring bell rings.”

9:30 p.m.
⑬—“NFL Action”

9:45 p.m.
Ⓓ—“The tardy bell rings.”

10:00 p.m.
Ⓕ—“Sleep.”

Those are your Celebrity Self-Improvement Listings for Sept. 13, 2018, and also the listings for WLW-I for June 5, 1971. We’ll be back with the Celebrity Self-Improvement Listings for Sept 14, 2018, and also the listings for WLW-I for June 6, 1971 tomorrow.

Correction, Sept. 12: This article originally misspelled Emily Dickinson’s last name.