Sports

You Don’t Have to Watch Bills Games this Year, Buffalo Fans

Watch these programs instead!

BALTIMORE, MD - SEPTEMBER 9: Nathan Peterman #2 of the Buffalo Bills is tackled by Za'Darius Smith #90 of the Baltimore Ravens in the first quarter at M&T Bank Stadium on September 9, 2018 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
The Buffalo Bills: Not great.
Rob Carr/Getty Images

I regret to inform you that the Buffalo Bills are bad. After reaching the playoffs for the first time this century last season, the Bills are primed to pay for that blip of brief and relative success. Buffalo lost its season opener to the Baltimore Ravens, 47-3, and it may get worse from here. Or, perhaps the Ravens are the best team in NFL history? (The Ravens are not the best team in NFL history.)

Quarterback Nathan Peterman led the Bills into battle, and he completed five of his 18 pass attempts for 24 yards. When he wasn’t throwing incompletions, Peterman was doing this.

First-round draft pick Josh Allen replaced Peterman in the second half, and the rookie also stunk up the joint.

The Bills are going to be unwatchable this year. Were the Marquis de Sade still alive, he’d say that their games are “a little much.” Bills fans shouldn’t subject themselves to this punishment. To protect their eyes and brains, I have found some excellent counterprogramming for upcoming Buffalo games. If you must watch something, please enjoy the following options.

September 16, 2018 (Chargers vs. Bills, 1 p.m. ET): The X-Files on BBC America.

In season-two episode “Aubrey,” a small-town detective experiences eerie visions. (Lost star Terry O’Quinn guest-stars.)

September 23, 2018 (Bills vs. Vikings, 1 p.m. ET): Mercenary for Justice on GetTV.

Steven Seagal is John Seeger, a rakish gun-for-hire who gets blackmailed to head a mission doomed for failure. Will Seeger seek revenge … or love?

Fun fact: Mercenary for Justice’s producers filed a $14 million lawsuit against Seagal for “routinely arriving late on the set, rewriting the script and allowing members of his entourage to interfere with the work of crew members.”

September 30, 2018 (Bills vs. Packers, 1 p.m. ET): Monster Jam on FS1.

I hope you have butt insurance if you live in the Tampa, Florida area, because Grave Digger, Iron Outlaw, and all your favorite monster trucks are coming for that ass. The Bills faithful won’t want to miss this.

October 7, 2018 (Titans vs. Bills, 1 p.m. ET): Honda Japanese Grand Prix on ESPN.

This is a repeat, so Bills fans should avoid the live broadcast at 1:05 a.m.

October 14, 2018 (Bills vs. Texans, 1 p.m. ET): I Heart Huckabees on HBO Signature.

I saw this in theaters years ago and remember it as being pretty good. If you’re a Bills fan, please watch it and tell me if I’m right.

October 21, 2018 (Bills vs. Colts, 1 p.m. ET): How to Train Your Dragon on HBO Family.

Children shouldn’t be subjected to the Bills.

October 29, 2018 (Patriots vs. Bills, 8:15 p.m. ET): The Resident on Fox.

Buffalo has one primetime game this season, on Monday Night Football, but that doesn’t mean you have to watch it. Check out The Resident, Fox’s drama about an idealistic young doctor who doesn’t play by the rules. Sickened by Nathan Peterman and the Bills? Dr. Conrad Hawkins has the cure.

Networks haven’t scheduled programming past this point, but you can safely assume the Bills will be terrible well into winter. Chilly Sundays are great for reading, so please consider picking up a book lest you accidentally catch the Bills while flipping channels.