Brow Beat

There Aren’t Enough Chef’s Kisses in the World for This Hannity Monologue About Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen

Sean Hannity, looking unhappy.
“I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s gonna be a great daaaaaaaay!” Fox News

Boy, Sean Hannity seems to be mad about something Tuesday night! He’s gasping for breath like he’s swimming the individual medley, he keeps raising his voice, his sentences go on great soaring flights of fancy without landing anywhere near an argument, and there’s an unruly tuft of hair sticking out of the side of his head that makes him look like a great horned owl that’s taken up amphetamines:

You could hire all the great chefs of Europe, ship them to New York City, trade their normal chef’s hats for comically large ones, and get them to all make the chef’s kiss gesture outside Fox News at once and it wouldn’t be a remotely adequate response to Hannity’s manic rambling. So here’s a Chef Boyardee commercial from 1953:

Here’s the Swedish Chef making popcorn shrimp:

And, because reacting to something Fox News–related with anything as lovely as the “Bella Notte” scene from Lady and the Tramp would be blasphemous, here’s the one from Hot Shots! Part Deux instead:

Look: It’s beneath all of our dignity to just point and laugh at Hannity’s obvious distress. And it would be embarrassing to everyone involved to try to respond to his non-arguments about how unfair it is that everyone is picking on Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen just for committing multiple felonies. So in an effort to remember our shared humanity, here’s a song about the things that unite us all, even the Fox News hosts of the world. Maybe Hannity can find some solace in Kansas’ classic ballad about human frailty, loss, and the passage of time, “Dust in the Wind.”

As performed by Beaker from the Muppets.

Read more from Slate:
What the Craziest News Day of the Year Means for Trump
Conservative Media Acknowledges the “Cohen-Manafort One-Two Punch” Was a Biggie
Michael Cohen’s Guilty Plea Directly Implicates Donald Trump in a Felony
What We Know About the Abduction and Murder of Mollie Tibbetts