Brow Beat

An Apology From the Dunderbeck Sausage Company

A Dachshund Terrier, wrapped in American flags for a parade.
It’s a new day at the Dunderbeck Sausage Company!
Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images

We hear you. You expected better from the Dunderbeck Sausage Company. From the moment our late founder invented his wonderful sausage meat machine, the Dunderbeck Sausage Company has had two goals: providing our customers and our community with bland sausages made from boring old pork, beef, and chicken, and, just as importantly, not providing our customers or our community with mouth-wateringly delicious sausages made from the plumpest, tastiest dogs, cats, and long-tailed rats in town.

We’ve know we’ve fallen short recently.

Let’s be honest: No company wants to go through the messy, public process of growth and change the Dunderbeck Sausage Company has embraced since the fateful night our late founder’s sleepwalking wife gave the wonderful sausage meat machine’s crank a hell of a yank and converted our company’s founder, Mr. Dunderbeck, into our late founder, and also into meat. We’ve all followed the subsequent investigations into the regrettable but absolutely scrumptious “Founder’s Day Special” sausages that were accidentally sold in the immediate aftermath of Mr. Dunderbeck’s passing, and the broader inquiry into the ingredients of our World-Famous Original Recipe Dancing Sausages, and there’s no reason for us to recount the congressional committee’s report here, or explicitly say that, as a matter of corporate policy, the Dunderbeck Sausage Company was kidnapping neighborhood dogs and cats, grinding them into tasty, juicy, mouth-watering meat, then selling them back in delicious sausage form, sometimes to the very same people the originally-much-less-delicious pets belonged to. One time, a kid came into our butcher shop to ask if he could put up a poster in the window for his lost dog, and we let him, but we also saw to it that he was reunited with his pal Fido, for the low rate of $2.99 a pound, if you see what we’re saying. Or rather, if you see what we’re not saying, since we’re definitely not going to get into exactly what we did wrong!

Since then, we’ve been working hard to make things right.

Here are some of the steps we’re taking to hold ourselves accountable, recommit to our customers, and earn back your trust:

• There are no dogs in our sausages anymore.
• There are no pussycats or long-tailed rats, either.
• In fact, we’ve updated each and every one of our delicious sausage recipes into slightly less-delicious sausage recipes that no longer use any house pets at all! That’s the Dunderbeck Sausage Company No House Pet Promise!
• Pursuant to a federal consent decree, we must note that if you keep one of those miniature pigs as a pet, technically our sausages still have animals in them that might be considered house pets, but are not your specific house pets. That’s the Dunderbeck Sausage Company Not Your House Pets Promise!
• Although we did our best with the steam hose, customers with allergies should be aware that our sausages are prepared in a wonderful sausage meat machine where wonderful sausage meat machine inventors were accidentally processed.

We’re publicly committing to these changes because we believe that this is not the end of The Dunderbeck Sausage Company Story, but the beginning of a new, much longer chapter of The Dunderbeck Sausage Company Story that, if all goes according to plan, will make our valued customers completely forget about the events of the previous chapter of The Dunderbeck Sausage Company Story. Our new Pet-Free Dunderbeck Non-Pet Sausages Without Any Pets In Them may not be as tasty or as profitable as our World-Famous Original Recipe Dancing Sausages, but they’re fully compliant with the stack of consent decrees we’ve been forced to sign with various federal, state, county, and city agencies. Also, we’re using more fennel.

We’re setting the Dunderbeck Sausage Company on this new course today so we can focus on your satisfaction, even if we firmly believe you were more satisfied with the original recipe as long as you didn’t know what was in it and if certain founder’s wives hadn’t pulled certain cranks and inspired certain police officers and health inspectors and FBI agents and judges and that jerk from the Pinkertons to stick their big noses where they didn’t belong, we’d all be a hell of a lot happier, not to mention richer, not to mention more alive, in the specific case of our late founder. But no matter how much we miss the taste of the Dunderbeck Sausage Company’s World Famous Original Recipe Dancing Sausages or how angry we get when we think about the good thing we had going before you people ruined it, nothing is more important to us than earning back your trust. So come by one of our new, improved butcher shops—we think you’ll like the changes you’ll see.

Ask about our secret menu!