Hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale is destined to go down as one of the most depressing shows of all time—for its dystopian vision of women reduced to breeding chattel under a theocratic regime, yes, but also its almost impressively offensive merchandising schemes. The tie-ins have been as tone-deaf as the show has felt timely: a clothing line inspired by those haunting red cloaks, a pink pen promising empowerment, and as of Tuesday, a new line of wines inspired by three of the show’s female characters. (Update, 9:30 p.m.: Entertainment Weekly reports that the line of wines has been canceled.) What genius do we have to thank for the ability to buy a bottle of Offred and discard her husk once we’re done with her insides?
At best, the Handmaid’s wines are like Tina Fey’s sheet cake, a distraction that keeps us from doing anything at all (which of course is exactly what Margaret Atwood was trying to warn readers against when she wrote the novel during the Reagan years). But Americans seem so damn determined to buy shit instead of engaging in political action—and/or to conflate the two—that we decided to do help the Handmaid’s team out by suggesting other branded opportunities. They’re no more tasteful than the wine collection, but they probably get feminism a little less wrong.
Offred’s Muzzle. People are always talking about the power of silence, so why not take back some of that empowerment for womankind with this vegan leather scream-stopper? (It’s cruelty-free!) Perfect for a meditation retreat or giving your male partner the silent treatment. Take that, patriarchy!
Aunt Lydia’s Fruit Basket. Take the first step toward wellness—not to be confused with lame old health—with an edible arrangement of Blessed Fruit packed with vitamins and nutrients for women. Sure, it costs a little bit more than the gender-neutral edible arrangement made with the same components, but remember, your ladyparts are worth it!
Janine’s Eye Patch. Sometimes you just gotta be a bad girl! When you need to let out the rebel within, put on this cotton-blend pad that lets everyone know, no one tells you to smile!
Cambridge Stoning Rock. #RESIST misogyny and all the ways that women are pitted against one another with this hand-smoothed, self-defense solution made of authentic New England stone! (Handmaid’s Tale Inc. is not liable for any damage that throwing the rock may incur.)
“Handmaid in the Oven” Maternity Wear. Let everyone know “the future is female”—and that you’re carrying the most desirable kind of baby girl! Made with stretchy fabrics, the Handmaid’s Tale mommy line tells everyone that even though you’re not down with the status quo, you’re still succeeding at embodying the kind of femininity most desirable under patriarchy—and your daughter will, too! Each outfit comes with a matching Mommy & Me onesie.