This month’s Hollywood Reporter features a cover story “comedy’s new queen” Tiffany Haddish in which, over the course of a five-hour flight and three vodkas on the rocks, Haddish solves a major La La Land mystery, describes her perfect day, and speaks candidly on her meteoric rise to superstardom. The feature story, written by Lacey Rose, is as far-ranging and delightfully profane as Haddish’s breakout role in Girls Trip. One moment the comedienne confirms Internet speculation that Sanaa Lathan was the one who bit Beyoncé and in the next Haddish reveals that she invited Taylor Swift to her 20 year high school reunion—”Swift was game, apparently, but her security shut it down.”
One of the raunchier moments comes when Rose decides to ask about Leonardo DiCaprio, having “heard [Haddish] joke before about wanting to have his baby.”
“Yeah, I met him at a party two, three months ago, and I asked him if he’d let me hit that,” she begins. “He’s like, ‘Tiffany, you’re so funny.’ I’m like, ‘I’m serious.’ And then he goes, ‘I mean, I’d do it, but …’ I was like, ‘Come on, wasn’t you in a squad? The coochie squad or something?’ [Editor’s note: DiCaprio was famously a member of the “pussy posse” with pals Tobey Maguire and Kevin Connolly.] I told him, ‘My only stipulation: I wanna do it with you as your character in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.’ He starts bustin’ up laughin’. ‘Why?’ he asks, and I say, ’Cause I feel like that performance deserves a real reward and that reward is this (gestures at her own body).’ He starts goin’ into how he got into the role, how he worked with these kids and all this stuff, and I’m just listenin’ and listenin’, like, ‘Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.’ I finally go, ‘All that’s good, I just need to know, When’s this gonna happen?’”
This anecdote is quickly followed by one about Roseanne Barr (“She been racist, why’d you all give her a TV show?”) but I want to pause here for a few reasons. The first is that this frankly incredible story revealed to me the existence of DiCaprio’s “pussy posse” and I have a few questions, the most important of which is: Tobey Maguire?? The second is that this little tale suggests not only that Haddish and DiCaprio very clearly need to star in a rom-com in the very near future but also that Haddish knows what I’ve been saying for years: Had Gilbert Grape not been robbed at the 1994 Academy Awards, DiCaprio could’ve won an Oscar a full two decades earlier and spared all of us twenty years of memes and that terrible, too-long bear scene in The Revenant. Wise, Tiffany, very wise.