STX Entertainment released a new trailer on Friday for Mile 22, the upcoming Mark Wahlberg thriller from director Peter Berg, and if you were a fan of their past collaborations Lone Survivor, Deepwater Horizon, and Patriots Day, you’re going to want to watch this trailer. If you’re not a fan of Berg-Wahlberg movies, you’re also going to want to watch this trailer, because it is absolutely packed with dramatic dialogue just waiting to be tersely snapped at the people in your life. Check it out:
It’s clear on its face that we should all begin talking like we’re living inside Mile 22 as soon as humanly possible, but which of the cool lines and snappy quips are going to do the most to help you succeed on your next “mission” to “the ARCO station” for an “inedible hot dog?” To help you prioritize, we’ve ranked all the coolest dialogue.
“Failure is not an option.”
People still say this? People don’t still say this. Last place.
“It’s not a military operation.”
If you don’t work for the military, you should already be using this line any time you are describing one of your operations. If you do work for the military, you probably have more reason to distinguish between military operations and non-military operations than the rest of us, so you should also already be using this line all the time, albeit slightly less often than civilians, given that some of your operations will, in fact, be military operations. In other words, “It’s not a military operation” is already integrated into our daily lives, so thanks for nothing, Mile 22 trailer!
“You’re going up against this country’s elite tactical squads.”
Mostly, this line comes in handy when you’re talking to someone who is going up against this country’s elite tactical squads. Its usefulness in your own life will vary wildly based on your proximity to this country’s elite tactical squads and how many of the people you know are going up against them.
“If they miss that plane, we have failed. If they miss that plane, they are dead.”
An amateur fan of the trailer for Mile 22 might try to deploy this line while seeing his or her children off at the airport for the big school trip to Paris. This is a rookie mistake that will only lead to unpleasant conversations with TSA agents. (Integrating dialogue from the Mile 22 trailer into your unpleasant conversation with TSA agents? Also a rookie mistake.) A true connoisseur of the Mile 22 trailer, however, knows that this line should only be used while watching fictional schoolchildren departing for their fictional big trip to Paris on a beat-up DVD of New Line Cinema’s 2000 horror classic Final Destination. For starters, the kids who miss the plane are the ones who don’t die in a horrifying plane crash, which leads Death to hunt them down one by one, so why are you so insistent all the kids get on that plane? And in a larger sense, why are you talking about characters in a movie as though you could influence their actions, as though you held the power of life and death in your hands, even in works of fiction? Who are you really? What’s your name? TELL ME YOUR NAME!
“You have no idea how evil my government is.”
This line would have been very useful for Americans in the pre-Trump years, but now that everyone on the planet is being forcibly reminded exactly how evil our government is every single day, its utility has somewhat declined. Luxembourgians, however, should start saying this immediately.
“I have information that proves my government is planning an attack on the United States.”
This line is suitable for all occasions! As long as those occasions take place at least 100 yards from the nearest iPhone, security camera, laptop, desktop, Amazon Echo, Apple HomePod, Google Home, drone, digital billboard, robot, handheld directional microphone, or Ulrich Mühe reprising his role from Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s 2006 film The Lives of Others. If you believe you are within hearing range of any of these listening devices or deceased German actors, please do not say this line aloud.
“The goal is to complete the mission at any cost.”
Like “It’s not a military operation,” you’re probably already saying this phrase two or three times every single day. But what if you’re not? Maybe you should be!
“We’ve got motorcycles on our ass, I need a new vehicle ASAP!”
Whether you’re pranking your significant other with frantic mid-commute cell phone calls, shopping for a new car, or being pursued by murderous cyclists, this truly is a line for those three situations and not much else.
“This is an Overwatch operation.”
There is no business meeting, public address, or sexual encounter that would not be improved by someone intoning, “This is an Overwatch operation” right at the beginning. Unless, of course, your business, political system, or sex life actually includes an organization called “Overwatch,” in which case this line will only cause confusion, unless you are referring to an Overwatch operation.
“You’re never going to do something normal until you die—that’s what this job is.”
Representing Yarn Barn at a job fair? Explaining the line of succession to the British throne to your son, the Prince of Wales? Then this is the line from the Mile 22 trailer for you. Its deceptive simplicity is belied by the troubling theological questions it raises: Do you have to do something normal when you die? Or is the act of dying itself the “normal thing?” Truly, the paths of glory lead but to the grave.
“Send him to medical to see if he’s who he says he is.”
Neighbors. Mailmen. Pizza deliverers. Your firstborn son, your own flesh and blood. These are just some of the people you will never have to talk to again once you start greeting everyone at the door with this extremely useful phrase.
“Requesting Hand of God.”
Who isn’t, these days?
“That’s my asset. Local special forces.”
There is no reason in the world you can’t lean over and whisper this to the person standing next to you on the train whenever someone suspicious gets on. It’d be a lot cooler if you did!
“Our team is engaged in a higher form of patriotism.”
All. Fucking. Purpose.
