Sports

Switzerland’s Xherdan Shaqiri Is a Roomba Made of Lead

KALININGRAD, RUSSIA - JUNE 22:  Xherdan Shaqiri of Switzerland celebrates after scoring his team's second goal during the 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia group E match between Serbia and Switzerland at Kaliningrad Stadium on June 22, 2018 in Kaliningrad, Russia.  (Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images)
Xherdan Shaqiri of Switzerland celebrates after scoring against Serbia.
Clive Rose/Getty Images

Switzerland beat Serbia 2–1 on Friday in a terrifically exciting game that was decided at the brink of regulation when Swiss star Xherdan Shaqiri sprinted 60 yards and slotted the ball just beyond the goalkeeper’s reach.

Shaqiri is a mercurial player, but when he’s in good form he can seemingly do anything he wants on the pitch. He also happens to be built like a rotary phone. Squat and stout, he has no business being as quick as he is, and yet it shouldn’t surprise anyone that he was able to leave the Serbian defense in his dust.

Given Shaqiri’s unique dimensions, his goal looked less like a goal and more like, well, a whole bunch of other bizarre things. For instance:

—A Roomba made of lead taking the checkered flag at Indy 500.

—Mario reaching Bowser’s castle without consuming a mushroom.

—The opening to Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones outruns that giant stone ball, except Indy is played by a smaller stone ball.

—Bowling with a paint can and hitting a strike.

—Winging a Patrón bottle down a Slip ’N Slide.

—Oh no, someone put Ronnie from Jersey Shore in the particle accelerator.

—Toaster oven drag race.

Read the rest of Slate’s coverage of the 2018 World Cup.