Annotating comedy is a tedious business, and ideally wouldn’t be necessary: Done well, even the most painstakingly accurate parody should be funny to people who don’t know the source material. And, indeed, Donald Glover’s “80’s Music Video” sketch, above, is pretty funny just as a general riff on the stalkery vibe of a lot of 1980s R&B. But as a very specific riff on Oran “Juice” Jones’ hit song “The Rain,” it’s absolutely hilarious. Here’s the original video, which topped the R&B charts, hit #9 on the Billboard Top 100, and was nominated for two Grammy awards:
1986 was a long time ago!
Here are Oran “Juice” Jones’ complete comments on the subject of seeing you (and him) standing in the rain:
Hey, hey, baby, how you doin’? Come on in here. Got some hot chocolate on the stove, waiting for you. Listen, first things first, let me hang up that coat. Yeah, how was your day today? Did you miss me? Oh, you did? Yeah, I missed you too. I missed you so much I followed you today. That’s right. Now close your mouth, ’cause you cold busted. That’s right. Now sit down here, sit down here. I’m so upset with you I don’t know what to do. Yeah, my first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo. Whip out the jammy and flat blast both of you. But I didn’t want to mess with this thirty-seven-hundred-dollar lynx coat. So instead, I chill. That’s right. I chilled. Then I went to the bank and took out every dime! And then I went and canceled all those credit cards. Yeah! All your charge accounts, yeah! I stuck you up for every piece of jewelry I ever bought you. Yeah, that’s right, everything, everything. Deflowered me—naw, don’t go, don’t go looking in that closet. ’Cause you ain’t got nothin’ in there—everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. That’s right. What was you thinking about? Huh? What were you trying to prove, huh? You was with the Juice. I gave you silk suits, Gucci handbags, blue diamonds. I gave you things you couldn’t even pronounce. Now I can’t give you nothing but advice. ’Cause you still young. That’s right, you still young. I hope you learned a valuable lesson from all this. You know? You gonna find somebody like me one of these days. Until then, you know what you gotta do? You gotta get on out of here with that alley cat, coat-wearing, hush-puppy-wearing crumb cake I saw you with. ’Cause you dismissed. That’s right. Silly rabbit, Trix are made for kids, don’t you know that? You without me like corn flake without the milk! It’s my world, you’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut. Get on outta here. Hey! Don’t touch that coat!