Donald Trump is not the only person who can “hereby demand” investigations; all it takes is the ability to say, write, sign, or Pictionary the phrase, “I hereby demand that the Department of Justice investigate” and they have to do it. So when pop star Miley Cyrus snuck into Jimmy Kimmel’s house late at night; woke him in bed by singing “Wrecking Ball,” accompanied by someone in a wrecking ball costume; and (apparently accidentally) hit him in the balls with a sledgehammer, it was inevitable that the late night host would call for a DOJ probe into the matter. Now Robert Mueller has no choice but to conduct a full investigation, because that is how the government works.
To help Mueller out, we’ve assembled some evidence suggesting this assault on Kimmel’s testicles may be part of a coordinated series of attacks. The sleepy late-night host looks mostly bewildered during the Cyrus incident, but as he later pointed out, it bears marked similarities to this bizarre 2015 incident, in which pop star Rihanna snuck into late night host Jimmy Kimmel’s bedroom and threw a bunch of confetti and money at him:
And although it’s not on the official Jimmy Kimmel YouTube page, there are rumors that pop star Britney Spears may have been involved in a similar attack on late night host Jimmy Kimmel a year ago. We’ll have to wait for Robert Mueller’s full report to find out for sure if there’s any connection between these events—it seems like Molly McNearney might be worth questioning—but it’s a troubling pattern, to say the least. Best wishes to Jimmy Kimmel and his testicles as they continue to face this onslaught of dancing, groin-hammering pop stars.