Brow Beat

If the First Amendment Means Anything, It Means Advertisers Have to Lavishly Fund a TV Show Where I’m a Jerk to High Schoolers

It’s become unfashionable, in these days of campus indoctrination and political correctness, to stand up for the inviolable principles of our Constitution as originally designed by its framers. For leftist bullies, admitting the genius of the system built by great men like Charles Pinckney and Pierce Butler would be giving too much credit to a group of privileged white men. Brave conservatives like Dinesh D’Souza who challenge the liberal orthodoxy are met with indictments and federal convictions instead of the wealth and adoration they deserve, all in an effort to turn young Americans away from Ronald Reagan’s liberating, optimistic, and patriotic alternative to reality.

But the left’s attempts to intimidate conservatives and stifle free speech will always fail in the face of the plain meaning of the First Amendment: The largest corporations in America must purchase exorbitantly-priced advertisements on my primetime television program in which I will mock recently-traumatized high school students. Anything less than millions of dollars in advertising revenue flowing directly into my pocket would leave the First Amendment a shell of its former self.

For all their talk of inclusion, the left can’t handle the simple truth that every Fortune 500 company from Apple to Zappos needs to pay me an extraordinary amount of money, in exchange for which I will forever tie their brands to a television program singling out American teenagers for ridicule. Instead, leftists use bullying tactics like “saying what they think about people who make fun of teenagers” to shut down any competing ideas. Patriotic, common-sense conservative ideas like “Actually, it is extremely cool and good to mock a high school student for not getting into a great school like Dartmouth and you should all pay me a lot of money to do it” just aren’t acceptable anymore.

The chilling effect of these Stalinist tactics simply cannot be exaggerated. Admit it: You’d feel a little nervous using a national media platform to bully schoolchildren, much less demand that other people pay you money to use a national platform to bully schoolchildren. And the goalposts are forever moving! Ideas that were perfectly acceptable (to some people) 152 years ago are forbidden these days, according to these self-appointed language police. In other words, if you think black people are stupid and say so on national television? You’re a racist! If you praise people who staged a treasonous insurrection to preserve their right to own slaves? You’re liable to be branded a defender of slavery! Where will it stop?

This is the intolerant left in action. Whether it’s speaking out against adults who call a teenager a “skinhead lesbian” or speaking out against adults who say they are preparing to “ram a red hot poker” up a teenager’s butt, it all comes from the same place: A desperate desire to make it more difficult for me to get rich by publicly being an asshole to children. That is not the American way, my friends. The only way to restore and secure our freedoms is for me to get really, really wealthy by being an absolute prick to children on my own television show. Maybe my show will be called Cavalcade of Stupid, Pimply Teenage Faces. Maybe it will be called America’s Worst-Fitting Prom Tuxedos. Maybe it’ll just be something direct and to the point like Respect My Guns, You Awful, Awful Children. But whatever the title, one thing is clear: If we want to preserve free speech in this country, I should be paid a lot of money to do this.

What these loony leftists forget is that there are a lot more Americans who are weirdly obsessed with spanking David Hogg for being mean to their guns than there are people who think being a jerk to a 17-year-old should be beneath the dignity of a grown-ass adult. (I certainly hope there are more people like that, anyway, because I’m kind of out on a limb here, what with the whole “insisting it’s good to be a jerk to a 17-year-old” thing.) Assuming I’m right about the numbers, we will never give up. And we will never give in.

Unless advertisers stop paying me, in which case I’ll beg for mercy.