On Tuesday night, something happened on television. Some people thought it was funny. Some people thought it was not funny. And some people didn’t think it was funny or not funny, they just sort of sat through it, daydreaming about becoming an astronaut, although they knew very well they’d left it all too late. But one thing is certain: Everyone will be talking about the thing that happened on television.
If you failed to see the thing that happened on television, you will not be able to fully participate in these conversations. You will hear about the thing, but there will not be enough information to replace the experience of seeing the thing happen on television. There will be allusions. There will be tweets you don’t understand. Your boss will raise a single eyebrow at you in the presence of your coworkers, communicating his or her regret at ever hiring someone who contributes so little to the water cooler conversations, so important for office morale, so very important. A person you wish to impress will make a joke you don’t get, and you will see the disappointment on their face as they realize that you did not get the joke because you did not see the thing that happened on television.
But there is still hope, even for one such as you. We will bring you the thing that happened on television on your computer. You will watch the thing that happened on Tuesday night happen again, on your computer, and imagine it happening on television. You will gain knowledge and sorrow. You will understand the allusions. You will chuckle at the tweets. You will laugh at the right jokes. You make it clear to the people you need to impress that you know exactly what happened on television. This will impress them in precisely the way that you need so badly. You will be respected and loved and feared. This is the culture that we share. This is the world that we have built. This is what we must do. This is what happened on television.