Sports

Samsung’s March Madness Commercial Is Driving Me Insane

Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world! Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world! Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world!

Here’s a terrifying experiment for anyone who has been watching March Madness. First, read the following words:

Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world!

Now, ask yourself if you are spiraling into a deep psychotic episode. Of course you are. How could you not be?

That line is from the song “Get Stupid” by British pop artist Aston Merrygold, and it blares at the beginning of the Samsung Galaxy 9S commercial that has aired roughly 9 trillion times during this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament.

Is it a good commercial? Asking me that question is like asking a prisoner in the Tower of London to comment on the quality of the wood used for the rack. All I know is that I involuntarily begin to shiver when it comes on my television, and I desperately want it to stop. Muting it does nothing, as the song has burrowed into my skull and imprinted every note of itself across my cerebellum. Just the first line is enough to trigger the attack sequence that Samsung has implanted in my psyche.

What is Samsung’s goal? It can’t be to sell phones. If that were the case, the electronics firm would have stopped airing the commercial long before it had completely lobotomized March Madness viewers. Do they want to turn me into a Manchurian Candidate? If so, just tell me the head of state to murder and I’ll do it. Anything to take this godforsaken commercial off my TV.

Why not use different music, at least through the Final Four? They won’t even have to film any new footage. Just pop the existing commercial in iMovie and paste a new soundtrack over it. Samsung has a market cap of $254 billion. I think this is a company that can afford the rights to a Black Eyed Peas song.

Oh God, it just came on again.

Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world!

But I unplugged my television set.

Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world!

I even cut the power to my house.

Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world!

I’m pouring piping-hot grease into my ears.

Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world!

Am I a Dante character?

Here’s an invitation to the whole wide world!

Clearly, I am. I now live in the 9th circle of hell. Well, the 9S circle, to be specific. On the bright side, I won’t be alone. I hear the whole wide world is invited, too.