If there’s one thing the internet was created for, it’s nonsensical David Lynch-themed ’90s style typing lessons (Who better than David Lynch to teach you how to type surrealist sentences?). Developed by Rhino Stew and free to download, “David Lynch Teaches Typing” is a painfully slow, fittingly weird typing tutorial that will inevitably glitch out on you. Sounds about right.
The Twin Peaks auteur (or someone who sounds like him) is highly encouraging as he guides you through the “magical world of typing” on your Kyle Mac Lachlan-inspired Maclaclantosh 900. Your friendly typing professor covers the basics of the basics: where to rest your hands, which finger to use to hit the “F” key, and which to place in “the undulating bug next to your keyboard” (it’s the left ring finger). Type enough “F”s and “J”s and you’ll even be rewarded with a coffee and cigarette break! As Special Agent Dale Cooper would say, “Every day, once a day, give yourself a present.” But of course, something dark and evil, possibly deformed, lurks beneath the surface of the innocent-seeming game.
The game, downloadable here, is only a trial. To access the full version, you need to go into the nearest bathtub and making smacking noises with your hands until someone can assist you. Good luck.