Brow Beat

Stephen Colbert with Just a Few of the Many, Many Reasons Why Giving Teachers Guns Is a Bad Idea

Gunny the Gun-Toting Gun, a school mascot dressed like a gun.
Meet your new school mascot, Gunny the Gun-Toting Gun.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You know what Donald Trump is like when he gets a policy bee in his bonnet: He will continue to argue for it with increasingly twisted logic, and the more liberals (and law enforcement, and teachers, and children) try to rationally dispel it, the more firmly he will cling. “Arming the teachers,” Trump’s new favorite idea for preventing school shootings, is one such nonsensical proposal. It’s likely nothing can convince Trump that “more guns” is not the answer to America’s gun problem, but for whatever its worth, Stephen Colbert took his best shot.

Bringing more guns into schools will do the opposite of increasing safety, argued Colbert. It was an argument he hardly needed to make: Trump had done it for him, obtusely explaining that, under his policy, “bullets are going to be flying in the other direction.” “Parents, you can relax,” said the Late Show host. “Bullets won’t be flying in one direction—now bullets will be flying in all directions!”

Not only will more guns make schools more dangerous; the idea that this will somehow deter school shooters is laughable. Trump has insisted that “sickos,” realizing that a school is crawling with gun-toting teachers, will rationalize that the school is a dangerous target and won’t go near it. “Yeah, that’s what sickos are known for: logical reasoning” quipped Colbert. Trump’s idea that schools, the place where American children spend most of their time, need be more battle-ready, militarized locations is equally laughable according to Colbert. But again, the president had already done his job for him: “We need to let people know … you come into our schools, you’re gonna be dead,” he told a press conference. Perhaps, suggested Colbert, we need to arm schools to the hilt: Arm the teachers, rig the janitors to explode on contact, and adopt Gunny the Gun-Toting Gun as the school mascot.

But with school budgets already tight, who is going to pay for these gun-deterring guns? Or more likely, what will get cut to prioritize the school gun collection? “Sorry your school can’t afford enough copies of To Kill a Mockingbird,” said Colbert. “But good news, we’re giving you something that can kill any bird.”

Of course, Trump isn’t suggesting that all teachers should be give guns—that would be crazy, slightly more crazy than what he’s actually suggesting. As he clarified on Twitter, only the, er, “gun adept teachers” should carry concealed weapons. “Trump never said to give guns to teachers willy-nilly,” said Colbert. “I mean, can you imagine what this country would be like if anyone could get a gun?”

If Trump thinks these sharp-shootin’ teachers are the best line of defense America has to offer kids—better than first responders and school security and, you know, restricting the sale of semi-automatic rifles—it’s clearly been a while since he and the NRA-backed GOP spent time in a classroom. For those who have forgotten what teachers are like, The Late Show offered a reminder.

Just watch her spring out of her chair.