It took Milton twelve books and more than ten thousand lines of verse to explain how and why mankind finds itself in our fallen and diminished world. On this week’s Saturday Night Live, Cecily Strong managed to pull off the same feat in two minutes and 48 seconds, albeit without much poetry. She stopped by “Weekend Update” as porn star and alleged Donald Trump paramour Stormy Daniels with a message for America: “I’m the hero you deserve right now.” How did things get so bad that we deserve to hang our hopes on, in Daniels’ words, “a Republican porn star who loves Sarah Palin?” Well, Daniels has some ideas—some of them seeming to involve the fracas over Aziz Ansari—but better a question might be, “How did things get so bad that we’re hanging our hopes on any of these bozos?” and we should have asked it a long time ago. The fault, dear reader, is not in our porn stars.
But whatever you think about Daniels’ reasons, it’s hard to argue with her conclusion: Stormy Daniels is the perfect emblem of our age, arriving like a force of nature to make us realize just how shitty and debased everything has gotten. Colin Jost makes the mistake of asking if she wants to teach us a lesson, and her response is perfect (and perfectly chilling):
I am the lesson. I just wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice. That’s not going to happen, and I am making my peace with that, okay? And America, you need to accept your reality too. You all wish you were still living in 1920s Paris with Barack Obama. But guess what, honey: You’re in 1990s Orlando with Trumpy and Stormy.
The good news is, that means we can all visit Disney-MGM Studios again! The bad news is Donald Trump is president and we all have to imagine Stormy Daniels spanking him with a copy of Forbes with his face (and his children’s faces) on the cover. Hail, horrors, hail infernal world: you get a Stormy.