Sports

Philadelphia Greases Poles in Preparation for Eagles’ Triumph. What Could Go Wrong?

PHILADELPHIA, PA - MAY 09: Justin Allgaier drives a Camaro as Swoop, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot, flags him in on May 9, 2017 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The 2nd Annual NASCAR XFINITY Philadelphia Takeover brought the motorsport to the City of Brotherly Love, to support upcoming races in Dover and Pocono, with a parade, fan event and top drivers meeting supporters. (Photo by Corey Perrine/Getty Images)
A city waits with bated breath (and Crisco).
Corey Perrine/Getty Images

The Philadelphia Eagles are on the cusp of their first Super Bowl appearance since 2005, and the city’s cops aren’t taking any chances. Like a Philly version of Minority Report, police have seen into the future and know how fans will react should Nick Foles and company overcome the visiting Minnesota Vikings in the NFC Championship Game on Sunday.

By slathering on the Crisco, the city hopes to deter jubilant fans from scaling the poles and putting themselves and others in danger. If the Eagles lose, well, then they greased those poles in vain.

This is like buying a lotto ticket and then preemptively blocking everyone in your phone so they won’t be able to beg you for money if you win.

This isn’t the first time Philadelphia has broken out the Crisco ahead of a big game. Similar preparations were made in 2008, when city workers greased light poles at Frankford and Cottman Avenues the night before the Phillies clinched the World Series . “Instead [of street poles],” the New York Times reported, “fans climbed onto the roofs of cars or onto the shoulders of their parents.”

Crisco-covered street poles are but one precaution the city is taking. Philly-based reporter Ryan Briggs tweeted a letter from the Philadelphia Police Department warning business owners that they should “have grates locked and secured in order to protect [their] property” in the aftermath of the game.

Win or lose, the sheer presence of the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game turns Philadelphia into a frontier town on the verge of a climatic showdown. Good luck, Nick Foles. They’re battening down the hatches for you.

For his sake, let’s hope Philadelphia looks like this tonight:

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Nick Greene

Nick Greene is a Chicago-born writer who currently lives in Oakland, California.