Brow Beat

Saturday Night Live Thinks We Could Solve America’s Gun Crisis, If Not for One Little Thing

This week’s Saturday Night Live was a drab affair, which makes a certain amount of sense: it’s been a sickening, infuriating week, and neither “sick” nor “furious” are among the show’s natural registers. There was one exception, however: a blistering “Weekend Update” segment in which Colin Jost, Michael Che, and Kate McKinnon either implied or outright stated that gun activists and their enablers have itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polkadot salamis. It was a rare moment of speaking truth to petite-pricked power for the venerable sketch comedy show, which all too often has opted for easy laughs when the braver course would have been to remind gun activists that their penises are heartbreakingly small and staggeringly bad. From pint-sized pork swords to miniature man meat, no Second Amendment purist’s diminutive dork was safe from Saturday Night Live’s cruel spotlight. Flashlight. Bioluminescent single-celled organism. The point is, according to Saturday Night Live, the folks who are willing to let their fellow citizens die rather than be parted from their long, hard, semi-automatic rifles are clearly compensating for something, and if it’s not troublingly trifling trouser snakes, weirdly wee weiners, or strangely stunted skin-flutes, well, what’s your explanation? Here’s what Jost and Che had to say:

Colin Jost: The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue. The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 of anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a “responsible pet owner,” you’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away, because everyone agrees that’s insane. Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year, and that didn’t set off any kind of alert? If I buy $100 of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, “Did you just purchase $100 worth of Chick-fil-A? Please, Colin, tell us this is fraud!” How is no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why—no one needs that many! If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.

Michael Che: I mean, why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean, who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, “No, you’re not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun max, and six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting in six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn karate or use your words!” I’m sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much—it’s not true. Seventy-eight percent of Americans don’t even own a gun. And 3% of Americans own 50% of all the guns in the country. That’s the problem: that whiny 3% that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buy-back program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one-half inch of penis enlargement. That’s fair. If you trade in ten guns, you get five more inches. And if women want to trade in their guns: Don’t. Keep your guns. You’re probably going to need them to fight off all those men in spandex showing off their brand new eight-inch penises.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he wants congress to look into some proposals for gun control, but first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA. You know, we just, we gotta do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the Second Amendment, I know you think you need your guns to protect you from the government. I notice the people who bring up the Second Amendment all the time are always the same people that preach “Respect Law Enforcement! Support the Troops!” Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think those same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, “I love my wife. I trust my wife. But I swear to God, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.”

But it’s not just poorly-hung gun owners who are doing a surprisingly effective job of fucking the country, as Kate McKinnon observed in her appearance as Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She had this to say about Samuel Alito, who joined Scalia’s opinion in District of Columbia v. Heller finding an individual right to bear arms, then wrote the majority opinion in McDonald v. Chicago, finding that states, too, were bound by the individual right to bear arms the court discovered in Heller:

It’s nice to have nine justices again, because for the last year, you know, we’ve been a hung jury. Except for Justice Alito. That guy legislates from the bench, but he measures from the balls!

As for Chief Justice Roberts, who joined Scalia’s opinion in Heller and Alito’s opinion in McDonald v. Chicago, McKinnon’s Ginsburg said this when asked about Justice Kennedy’s potential retirement:

Kennedy was supposed to be our swing vote. If he goes, it’s gonna be Justice Roberts. And if he’s swinging, I’m taking my keys out of the bowl!

It’s really just the same joke, over and over again: gun enthusiasts, the politicians who enable them, and the gun manufacturers who profit from the whole killing machine all have astonishingly terrible dicks. It isn’t all that funny, but then, none of this is.