1Now when the trailer for The Star was released on the internet in the days of Trump the president, behold, there came a post on Slate about it,
2Saying, Why have Sony Pictures Animation and director Timothy Reckart made this movie? for we have seen the trailer online, and are baffled.
3When Slate readers saw the trailer, they were troubled, and all of the cultural conversation with them.
4And when they had gathered all of the chief priests and scribes of Slate together, they demanded of them where The Star would appear.
5And Slate said unto them, in theaters near you: for thus it is written by the prophet.
6Then Slate readers, when they had privily loaded the comments section, enquired of it diligently what time The Star would arrive.
7And they sent Slate to the IMDb, and said, Go and search diligently for the film’s stars; and when ye have found them, bring us word again, that we may thank them personally.
8When Slate had heard its readers, it departed; and, lo, The Star went before it, till it came and stood over the Full Cast & Crew page.
9When Slate saw that The Star’s cast included Keegan-Michael Key, Kristin Chenoweth, and Oprah Winfrey, and that, in a clever bit of meta-casting, Mary would be played by Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez, it rejoiced with exceeding great joy.
10And when Slate rewatched the trailer, it realized Steven Yeun was voicing a “sassy” donkey, like the one in Shrek if Shrek had included a subplot about the Massacre of the Innocents, and fell down, and worshipped the purity of the concept: and when Slate had recovered, it presented unto its readers gifts; embedded video, and text, and myrrh. (Myrrh is a Slate Plus exclusive.)
11And being warned of God in a dream that they would probably not enjoy watching much more of The Star than was seen in the trailer (and that, in any event, The Star wouldn’t open until Nov. 24, warned God, in this dream), Slate and its readers departed into their own country another way.