Brow Beat

Mr. President, Our Calculations Show That a Geostorm Trailer Is Imminent!

Mr. President! Gentlemen! I’m sorry to interrupt your Cabinet meeting, but I must insist on being heard, I must … No! Wait! Stop! Please! … Thank you. You won’t regret hearing me out, Mr. President. No, I can get to my feet without any more of your assistance, gentlemen, you’ve done quite enough. Thank you. Mr. President, it’s very simple. My calculations … my colleagues’ and my calculations … show that there is a 99.99995 percent chance of a Geostorm trailer event occurring in the near future, maybe as early as Thursday. Yes, Geostorm, the film from Dean Devlin and Danny Cannon about satellites that control the weather.  With Gerard Butler and Abbie Cornish and Ed Harris and even Andy Garcia playing you, Mr. President. Well, he’s playing a president, anyway.

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No, I’m not being alarmist, the math is very clear. I wish I had better news, but a trailer for Geostorm is on its way, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it! … Yes, you can wait this out in the underground bunker—it’s unlikely you’ll have to watch trailers for Geostorm there. But what about the people who elected you? … They have to know the truth, Mr. President, they have to know what’s coming! Geostorm will be in theaters on Oct. 20, whether it looks good in the polls for you or not. … Because there won’t be any more elections, that’s why! Get your hands off me! The trailer for Geostorm is coming, I tell you! It’s coming! You’ll regret this, Mr. President! It may already be here!

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