Brow Beat

John Oliver Is Selling “Tactical Assault Wipes” for 1 Million Dollars Apiece

John Oliver returned to HBO on Sunday night with a blistering segment about radio host and Sandy Hook conspiracy theorist Alex Jones. It wasn’t the first time Oliver talked about Jones, who featured prominently in a segment about Donald Trump’s troubled relationship with the truth back in February. But Jones was a bit player that time around; this time he got the entire show to himself. And from the looks of things, he has no one but himself to blame: After Oliver mentioned him in February, Jones complained on his show that he’d been taken out of context. It wasn’t really clear what context he thought would turn Alex Jones–isms like “What do you think tap water is? It’s a gay bomb, baby!” into anything but deranged conspiracy theories, but Oliver is not one to pass up a challenge, so he went looking for that missing context.

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Surprisingly enough, he found it. Although Jones’ main site is InfoWars.com, the real action happens over at Infowarsstore.com, where, according to Oliver, you can find an overpriced product for every fear Jones is stoking. Worried tap water will change your sexual orientation? Jones offers water filtration solutions ranging from $14.95 for a replacement filter to $499.95 for a “3-stage under-the-sink water filter system” that offers, according to the website, “99.9% fluoride removal.” Take that, gay tap water!

But the pride of Jones’ store—no small feat when your product line includes “The 6 Day Advanced Liver Cleanse Pack” and something called “DNA Force”—is undoubtedly the Combat One Tactical Bath. It’s a pack of eight pre-moistened towelettes, or, as the website calls it, a “broad spectrum hygiene tactical bath,” for $9.95. Weirdly, it specifies that it’s safe to use the Combat One Tactical Bath on the perineal area. Getting people to pay more than a dollar per moist towelette is a good idea, but it gave John Oliver a great idea: The John Oliver Moisture-Armored Tactical Assault Wipe, which has seven fewer pre-moistened towelettes, is only designed to be used on the perineal area, and costs $1,000,000.

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This is a very real item, which you can buy at Infowipes.com or the HBO store; according to the website, the proceeds will be donated to Doctors Without Borders. If you’re planning on making the purchase, here’s a secret even Alex Jones doesn’t know: The John Oliver Moisture-Armored Tactical Assault Wipe is eligible for the HBO store’s welcome offer of 10 percent off your order. We checked:

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So if you have the kind of perineal area that only a Moisture-Armored Tactical Assault Wipe can clean, or you really hate Doctors Without Borders (there’s probably some overlap there), you can save $100,000 on your next order of John Oliver Moisture-Armored Tactical Assault wipes. In fact, it turns out the HBO store will let you order up to 50 John Oliver Moisture-Armored Tactical Assault Wipes at once, and it applies the discount to the entire order. That’s $5 million in savings, which will really come in handy, because you’re looking at about $4 million in sales tax:

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Who will be the first person to spend $49,162,539.28 on a single order of 50 John Oliver Moisture-Armored Tactical Assault Wipes, possibly to make fun of them on his radio show? Your move, Alex Jones.

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