Late-night shows have been forced to leave a lot of jokes on the table as the Trump administration continues bending space-time in the pursuit of ever more ridiculous and unexpected ways to fail. It seems like it was decades ago when Sarah Huckabee Sanders brought a press briefing to an excruciating standstill by reading aloud a fan letter from a 9-year-old boy who said his nickname was “Pickle.” In fact, it was Wednesday. On Friday night, Stephen Colbert decided that, even amid the torrent of bullshit since then—the Mooch! Reince! Twitter User @realDonaldTrump!—the “Pickle letter” was too good a gift from the comedy gods to ignore, even if it happened a few days ago. In return, he gave the White House a gift of his own: a letter from a little girl that Sanders can read at the next press briefing.
Of course, it might not be as effective for Trump’s purposes as the Pickle Letter. Sanders used it to kill time instead of answering substantive questions about the absolute shit show happening in the executive branch right now, but Pickle did ask a few questions, namely:
- How old ar you?
- How big is the wh-ite hose?
- You seme nice can we be friends?
Sanders answered these very, very, very comprehensively, but she might not be as willing to address Nora’s concerns. Here’s the complete text of her letter:
My name is Nora, but everyone calls me Mustard. You’re my favorite current president. Anyway, I was wondering, does the attorney general enjoy your full support? And how do you plan to implement the ban on transgender people currently serving in the military? Will those on active duty be called home? Sounds like a logistical nightmare! One more thing—are you a puppet of Vladimir Putin? I love puppets! I made one at camp!
P.S.: People say we have the same hands!