The Cleveland Cavaliers are on the ropes after enduring two consecutive pummelings at the hands of the Golden State Warriors. While the Cavs managed to turn things around after being put in a similarly hairy spot in 2016, they are now facing a much different Warriors team, one that’s 14-0 in the postseason. Golden State is healthy. They also have Kevin Durant now. It doesn’t look like these Warriors are going to lose.
But it’s at least theoretically possible for the Cavaliers to win the 2017 NBA Finals. Here’s how LeBron James, Kyrie Irving, Kevin Love, and their teammates could make it happen.
1. Invoke Article 25 of the NBA Constitution, which states that a finals opponent can be removed from a series if it’s doing things like this:
2. Autograph a magical toaster. Klay Thompson did it in March, and the Warriors have gone 29-1 since then. Actually, the Cavs should autograph two magical toasters, and steal that toaster that Thompson autographed, and basically just corner the market on toasters.
3. Find the hypnotist who, using nothing more than the power of suggestion, has managed to convince Tristan Thompson that rebounds are made of lava. Ask her nicely to undo her work.
4. Fashion a large cardboard box into the shape of a bus. Following classic trompe l’oeil technique, draw windows and doors on the box with magic markers. In block lettering, write, “GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS TEAM BUS.” Before Game 3, place the box outside the Warriors’ hotel with a folding chair inside. When Kevin Durant sits down, sneak behind him and tie helium balloons to the back of the chair. Watch him float away.
5. Actress Tara Fitzgerald is fresh off a run as Lady MacBeth at the Globe Theatre in London. Hire her to reprise that role, but for an audience of one: Zaza Pachulia. With the manipulative Lady MacBeth in his ear, the Warriors’ lumbering center will begin to foster delusions of grandeur. Once his ambition runs amok, Pachulia will shoot more than 50 times a game, taking the Warriors’ more effective offensive weapons completely out of the picture.
6. Return the ancient amulet Kyrie Irving found while vacationing in Hawaii. It is not a play toy! It must be respected, for it unleashes a mysterious evil upon all those who touch it, and Kyrie Irving is shooting 34.8 percent from the field in the Finals.
7. Override ABC’s feed and replace the live footage with recordings of games three through seven of the 2016 NBA Finals. Remember Speed? They did it in that movie, and it prevented Dennis Hopper from murdering Sandra Bullock. Anyway, this is probably a better bet than relying on big minutes from Richard Jefferson.