Five-Ring Circus

Olympics Leotard Watch: Can You Guess What Country This Leotard Comes From?

Simone Biles, Gabrielle Douglas, and Madison Kocian of the United States celebrate winning the gold medal during the women’s team final in Rio de Janeiro on Tuesday.

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The United States of America destroyed the women’s gymnastics team finals on Tuesday, beating every other country by very many points, then announcing they’d nicknamed themselves the Final Five. Way to go!

But hold up. Is a gold medal worth winning if that gold medal is won in a substandard leotard? Let’s have a look at what American dynamos Simone Biles, Aly Raisman, Gabby Douglas, Laurie Hernandez, and Madison Kocian draped themselves in on Tuesday. My stars! Those are some twinkly, zealously nationalistic leotards. Olympics Leotard Watch is back in business.

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A quick reminder on the rules. Each leotard will be ranked on the five accepted dimensions of leotard personality: functionality, whimsy, majesty, patriotism, and spangliness. A leotard can earn at most two points in each category, for a maximum possible score of 10 points.

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Let’s begin.

Lauren Hernandez of the United States competes on the vault during the women’s team final on Tuesday.

Quinn Rooney/Getty Images

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Functionality: This is a leotard. GK Elite and Under Armour have done it again. 2/2

Alexandra Raisman of the United States competes on the vault during the women’s team final on Tuesday.

Quinn Rooney/Getty Images

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Whimsy: Leotard No. 2 has lightened up a bit. Its predecessor’s dark and gloomy blue has become an opalescent white with a red wash. Its sleeves and neck area glimmer with starry accents. But while the uniform isn’t downright dour, it’s not mischievous enough to play with its flag motif, either. This leotard cloaks each athlete in a custom-fit Old Glory with arms. Have some imagination, leotard! You’re sprucing up Aly Raisman, not my grandpa’s lawn on Independence Day. 1.2/2

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Gabrielle Douglas of the United States competes on the uneven bars during the women’s team final on Tuesday.

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Majesty: In general, there is an inverse relationship between rhinestones/spandex and majesty. The glut of multicolored crystals on this leotard, not to mention the iridescence of its material, is more suited to a mermaid’s prom dress than a champion’s body armor. The judges are taking major deductions for immaturity. 0.85/2

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Simone Biles of the United States competes on the floor during the women’s team final on Tuesday.

Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

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Patriotism: Here’s where GK Elite and Under Armour focused their energies during training, and it shows. Say what you want about this leotard (we certainly are!), but its political loyalties are not in question. Remember that time Budweiser renamed itself “America”? Budweiser should’ve renamed itself “This Leotard.” 2/2

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U.S. gymnasts Madison Kocian, right, and Simone Biles during the women’s team final on Tuesday.

Thomas Coax/AFP/Getty Images

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Spangliness: Leotard No. 2 is almost offensively spangly. The designers have not just brought a single spangle. They have brought the star-shaped spangle and the smaller, circle-shaped spangle. They have brought the shoulder spangle and the spangle dribbling down the torso like a breadcrumb. As spangles don’t interfere with functionality—the weight of a Swarovski crystal is incidental—the judges must treat spangle overload as an aesthetic concern. They are concerned. 0.91/2.

Final Score: 6.96/10. American Leotard No. 2 comes in with almost the exact same score its teammate, American Leotard No. 1, earned in the preliminaries. And this despite the inconsistency of the judges, who previously demanded more glitter, not less! We were hoping for greater progress from the United States, but, hey, the individual all-around and event finals are still to come.

Previously in Olympics Leotard Watch: It Is Sparkly and Looks Like a Flag. But Can It Stick the Landing?

See more of Slate’s Olympics coverage.

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