As mostly positive reviews for the new Ghostbusters movie come in and the complaints of ruined childhoods get louder, it’s reassuring to know that there are some things we can all agree on. Whether you’re a fan of the original Ghostbusters or the new one, a feminist or a misogynist, from a red or blue state, human or ghost, the new Ghostbusters video game looks like it will definitely ruin your childhood.
A close look at the trailer raises so many questions it’s hard to know where to start. Is this a human school that the ghosts are haunting or a ghost school? Why does the Viking ghost have a computer? Was “Mrs. Aldridge” a teacher when she was alive, or is she an exceptionally skilled ghost? What could Slimer possibly be learning? Are they allowed to eat in homeroom? Who are the Ghostbusters in the game? What on earth happened to their faces? Is the voice-over actor trying to sound like Vincent Price? Did this game really just come out, or is it a decade old? Is one of the levels of the game on a shuffleboard court? Why didn’t they just make a shuffleboard video game instead? Or just play shuffleboard?
By the time the 60-second spot is over, you’ll feel like you’ve aged a hundred years, all memories of youth reduced to the rustling of dead leaves in the back alleys of your failing mind. The game itself, we assume, would be more of an Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade–type situation. But we’re all far too old for video games now; the trailer saw to that.