Brow Beat

Mitt Romney Now Moonlighting as a Luchador as Split with Trump’s Republican Party Widens 

Talk about Mittmentum! On Saturday, Mitt Romney gave a speech in Park City, Utah, in which he said that the Republican Party’s support for Trump was breaking his heart. It seemed like the end for the millionaire scion of the Romney family, who left the Experts and Enthusiasts Summit in Park City, and, presumably, retreated to stately Romney Manor, with its secret room behind a bookshelf.  But later that same night in a Salt Lake City wrestling ring, a mysterious masked figure crept into the ring.

Advertisement

The unknown luchador, wearing the red cape and blue mask of Nacho Libre, intervened just as another wrestler was about to be defeated. After a victory lap showing off his impressive physique—the product, perhaps, of secret training in the Far East—he threw a luchador so hard the man flipped, then clotheslined him when he rose. But the victory was short-lived: The very wrestler he had saved crept up behind him and pinned his arms. Before he could free himself and fight off this cowardly betrayal, the first wrestler ripped off his mask, revealing the true identity of this caped crusader to the world: none other than young socialite Mitt Romney! It seems the playboy millionaire has been secretly donning mask and cape to right wrongs in the ring.

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement

It wasn’t Mitt’s first time in the square circle—nearly a year ago, he battled Evander Holyfield for charity. That fight, like the lucha libre match on Saturday, was a fundraiser for CharityVision, a nonprofit that provides vision restoration in the developing world. It’s unclear what the former Republican presidential candidate’s plans for the future are, but his new costume shows he’s clearly been giving a lot of thought to the essential nature of Trump and his supporters. Could this weird figure of the dark make a convention appearance, or will he simply continue anonymously avenging evil on behalf of Americans who can’t fend for themselves? As Romney broods on these issues in his gloomy mansion, we hope he hears the cries of his fellow citizens who need a masked champion in these troubled times. There are a lot of them: about 47 percent.

Advertisement