Brow Beat

After Seven Long Years, There’s a New Answering Machine Tape on Homestar Runner has settled into very irregular updates since 2010, and the last time Matt and Mike Chapman’s one-time-king-of-the-Flash-sites featured a new installment in the Marzipan’s Answering Machine series was on Mar. 2, 2009. Which means it’s been seven years since we’ve had the chance to see who was calling Marzipan, Homestar Runner’s broom-shaped girlfriend. Obama had been in office for less than two months! There were no iPads! Homestar Runner was still being updated regularly! It was, in short, a different time.

But times change. Although we missed this when it was released on Apr. 1, the Brothers Chaps have returned with a new answering-machine tape, and it’s an epic: 30 minutes of pure Homestar Runner greatness. Check out an entire presidential administration’s worth of missed phone calls, including:

  • Homestar Runner keeping up with all the hottest trends, from planking to the Ouya to Linsanity.
  • The epic case of the People v. Coach Z, who is sent to the hoosegow for reasons unknown and hires Bubs to mount his defense.
  • Strong Bad’s incessant pranks, including “Public Radio’s Vince Napmaker” calling in with a supercut of Robert Siegel saying “I gather.”
  • Strong Sad’s increasingly desperate attempts to reinvent himself with a new gimmick, from jodhpurs to worse.
  • And last, but not least, Strong Bad’s unknown-until-now disastrous 2013 attempt to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of “Everybody to the Limit” by recording a new No. 1 summer jam: “Let’s Fhqwhgads Again.”

It’s everything the internet has yearned for since 2009, but also, the Poopsmith.