Five-Ring Circus

A Field Guide to Samuel L. Jackson’s Olympic Tweets

Samuel L. Jackson
Samuel L. Jackson, Olympic tweeter.

Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images.

On July 20, actor Samuel L. Jackson addressed his 1.2 million Twitter followers with a heartfelt message: “I hope none of you were in that Colo. theater last nite! Heartfelt sympathy for all victims & families.”

His next tweet came a week later: “OK! Getting that MOLYMPICPHUKKEN Fevah! GO TEAM USA!!!!!”

Since then, Jackson has shown himself to be the world’s biggest Olympics fan. Here’s a brief @SamuelLJackson week in review.

Most enthusiastic overall tweet, Aug. 3: “PHELPS WALKS em’ DOWN!!! Came & got that ASS! OLYMPIC RULER!! Last race Maggie!! MOSTMUFFAQUATICPFUQQAH of ALL TIME! GOLD!!! Go USA!”

Least enthusiastic overall tweet, July 29: “Tried to watch Boxing, BORING! Might need to change to UFC/MMA style to draw interest!”

Total number of tweets about gymnastics: 49

Total number of those tweets complaining about gymnastics judges: 7

On the merits of Tim Daggett, Aug. 2: “Announcer dude 1/2 way dogged Gabby then really dogged Allie! Muzzle that Beyotch!!”

Most celebratory gymnastics tweet, Aug. 2: “GABBY GOLD!GOLD!GOLD! U S GYMFUGGYNASTICS!!!! Go USA!”

Most valid gymnastics complaint, July 30: “That was NOT a handstand, more like a handSplit! UK gets JACKED by judges!”

Most violent gymnastics complaint, July 29: “Ahhight!! Good MUPFUGHKEAN Beamin’!! Looking’ solid. Still wanna put foot to those judges asses though!”

Gymnastics tweet most likely to end up on a T-shirt or bumper sticker, July 31: “DREAM REALISED!!!!! US Gymnastic GOLD!! Strong performances! Pressure makes DIAMONDS!!! Go USA!”

Total number of times Samuel L. Jackson has said “Go USA”: 41   

Most tentative “Go USA,” July 31: “Dicey win for US BEACH VOLLEYBALL! Spain playa all up in the REF’s ASS! Uhhh, Go USA?!”

Most emphatic “Go USA,” Aug. 3: “MISSY!!!! ROCK STAR!!! WORLD RECORD!! TOOK NO PRISONERS!!! GOLD!!!! GoUSA!!!!!”

Other nations for which Samuel L. Jackson is rooting: 1

Most enthusiastic tweet about another nation, Aug. 2: “GB Cyclists!!! BIPFOUKKENCYCLIN BRILLIANCE! Go Host Nation!”

Most observant tweet about another nation, July 28: “That Japanese Superman dudes’ cape keeps gettin’ caught shit! 3falls, 3events! These gymnastics gonna be good for Thrills & Laffs!”

Best and only tweet about Romania, July 29: “Bout to shut it down. Looks like Romania ain’t what it used to be…in gymnastics.prolly gon fall asleep to that White Water Kayaking!”

Most feminist tweet, Aug. 2: “Okaaaay!!! NBC analyst Ato Boldon says he can STILL go 10.8 in the 100 meters, ‘probably as fast as the women’! I call BULLSHIT!”

Least feminist tweet, July 28: “Told y’all, ladies weightlifting drama! Lil’ babes, picking up heavy shit!”

Total number of tweets about swimming: 20

Total number of ridiculously excited tweets about swimming: 20

Most characteristic tweet about swimming, Aug. 2: “Soni Wrecks Breaststroke WR in 200!! A DEUCEMOUGHFOUGHKINPEAT!! Mo GOLD Mo GOLD Mo GOLD! !! Go USA!”

Total number of tweets about water polo: 11

Most appreciative tweet about water polo, July 29: “Water Polo!!! As dope as always! Speed, tuffness, durability. STRONG SWIMMAFOUGKAHZ!”

Total number of tweets about weightlifting: 10

Most excited tweet about weightlifting, July 31: “Awwwright!!! We bout to get some fairer sex IRON RAISIN’!”

Most philosophical tweet about weightlifting, Aug. 3: “Well, sometimes the Weights fight back! Chinese champion OUT!! Weight Wasn’t Even trying to be Lifted!!”

Approximate number of variations on the words “fucker” or “motherfucker” used: 22

Most creative variation, Aug. 2: “That Manouncerphuqa must have gone to see if his ASS had the funds to cash that check his EGO wrote!!!”

Most confusing variation, Aug. 3: “Hyped for the Women’s 100! All those leaders shut it down 3/4 of the way & still posted awesome times! Bad MOTRACQUHPHOQQERZ!!!”

Total number of questions asked: 12

Best question, Aug. 3: “I wonder if these Trampoline dudes started on a round tramp in da backyard w/ a broke net around it?”

Second-best question, July 28: “Awrite, who knows the rules in this Handball shit?! It’s fast & furious though!”

Most-confusing and yet most-characteristic question, July 30: “Shiiiiiiiiit! Whassup w/ the Short Pool?!”

Best fashion criticism, July 30: “Craig Sager is wearing NORMAL clothes!!! There has to be Olympic Pimp Gear available, I saw the opening ceremony!!!!”

Samuel L. Jackson on the badminton scandal:

Aug. 1: “WAIT A MINUTE! WTF?! Badfuqqinminton players tossed for THROWING games?! Really?”

Aug. 1: “Strategy My Ass! World Class WUSSES!!!”

Samuel L. Jackson on spoilers, Aug. 2: “Awwwright! Bout ta get the Girl’s Gold Quest on! If ya know ya know…let the rest of us take the ride…PLEASE!”