Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Lillian, Athena, and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
When I graduate college in 2022, I was gifted a large sum of money as a graduation present to help pay off my loans. My parents (who are missionaries and also recently inherited a lot of cash) offered to match this gift to help me out. But when Biden’s plan for student loan forgiveness got announced, my parents asked/demanded the money for their ministry (which has no issue fundraising), saying that I should manage and pay off the rest of my loans to learn “financial responsibility” even though I am otherwise almost entirely financially independent. I tried to object but my entire family said I was being selfish and acted disgusted that I would want some control over my own finances, so I gave in. But now that it seems like student loans will not be forgiven, I want the money back. Am I incredibly selfish? What do I do?
—Morally Confused
Dear Morally Confused,
You’re certainly not selfish for wanting control over your finances or wanting to pay off your student loans. But it sounds like your parents did not give that gift freely and instead actually wanted it routed toward their ministry. If student loan forgiveness gets overturned by the Supreme Court, you could request the gift back, but it doesn’t sound like it was ever much of a “gift”—just a way to guilt you into donating more to your parents’ ministry. Asking for your donation back will not give you peace with your family, only a fresh round of being called “selfish.” You might be better off paying the last bit of your student loans without their assistance. If you want independent control over your finances, you will have to refuse money from your parents with attached strings and guilt.
Dear Pay Dirt,
This year, after an aggressive recruitment, I was invited to join the board of a nationally known, prestigious museum. I had several conversations with the board chair and CEO making it clear that I was to offer all my professional knowledge and my time, but I could not support much financially, as board members are typically expected to do. They assured me this was fine, so I agreed to join. The organization hosts several extravagant fundraisers, the apex of which is the annual gala.
At my first board meeting, it was revealed that several board members were purchasing entire tables at the event to bring guests, and the gala is a $1,500-a-plate event. Most, if not all, of the other board members appear to be millionaires and billionaires. I am a public servant. There is no guidance in the board handbook about how payment for events is handled (it only mentions “board discounts” for events and guests, implying that board members do not get anything for free). My board mentor is one of the billionaires, and I am mortified that I will have to tell him, or the CEO, that I cannot afford to attend the event (it is listed as mandatory). This is super triggering for me as I have anxiety about money and specifically how handicapped I am by my paltry salary. How do I handle this?
—All Brains, No Benjamins
Dear No Benjamins,
What a supremely unfair position for the board chair and CEO to put you in after aggressively recruiting you. It speaks to the equity obliviousness that is unfortunately common in prestigious arts and culture nonprofits. But you shouldn’t feel anxious about your non-billionaire means—the staff should be ashamed of their poor board stewardship. They wanted you on the board for your knowledge and perspective, not for your wallet. If they want to increase representation on the board beyond the silver spoon ilk, it requires clear communication about financial expectations for board members at the recruitment stage. Most people cannot fork out an unexpected $1,500 donation.
I know it’s awkward, but you’ll have to talk with the board chair and CEO about your expected role at the gala and make it clear the sticker price is out of your budget. You shouldn’t feel mortified about this; a plate costs about as much as the median mortgage payment in the U.S. You’ve already been upfront about your different means than your ultra-wealthy peers, so it shouldn’t surprise them.
If your board mentor is a billionaire and has bought a table, he’d likely be able to extend you a seat at his table without any expectation of payment. In my experience, these galas will have a few donors or companies who purchased tables but can’t attend, and the staff can slot you into one of the empty seats ahead of time. If not, you could volunteer at the check-in or another appropriate role for a board member in exchange for a comped ticket. The board chair and CEO should figure out how to get you in the room without the sticker shock.
If they don’t figure out a solution, reconsider your board appointment. Failure to accommodate you shows they are not equipped to support the board diversity they sought. Successful modern nonprofits have diverse leadership that represents the communities they serve. That means board members are recruited not only for their giving capacity but also for their lived experiences and knowledge. It’s a shame you can’t just focus on your board seat and have to work to push thoughtful communications. But every time you have internal conversations about equity blind spots, you’re strengthening the organization—and paving the way for the next smart board member of modest means.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I am a 35-year-old woman living in an expensive coastal city. I currently gross $66,500 a year. I’m no longer broke at the end of every month but definitely been experiencing some lifestyle creep. My problem is that I hate my job and see no way out. For the last 10 years, I have been working as a nanny for infants and toddlers, at least two at a time. I’m over it. My body can’t handle the physical labor of it. It’s not fulfilling to me in the way it used to be. I’m not making the money I want. I have no opportunities to use my brain or do any creative problem-solving, which I have enjoyed with the two office jobs and one retail job I had before this one. I am a smart person and would like to engage in that more often, and enjoy the feeling of having accomplished tasks that aren’t “diaper, bottle, nap, diaper, bottle, tantrum.”
I considered using my childcare and people skills to pivot to a career as a postpartum doula, but I’m not interested in being self-employed, having to be constantly on call, or living off of consecutive two-eight week contracts. I have no college degree and nothing but old and likely irrelevant experience in an office environment. I also have a creative pursuit which takes up 10-20 hours each week and I also baby sit. The creative pursuit is performance based and is extremely important to me. It’s not easy to turn it into a career, but not impossible, and if I don’t at least try, I’ll regret it forever. This also means that I must live in an expensive coastal city where one may have a chance at such a thing. At the same time, I’m realistic about my need for dependable income. With this jam-packed schedule, I’m burnt out.
Help! What can I do? Is there any better career path for me based on my experience as a nanny? Or can I use my people skills and humor in some kind of position? I’ve wondered if I could get a job as a copywriter somewhere, but I’m not sure if I could get paid as much as I currently do, and I’d really like to pay down my debt and bank more money before making a switch. Am I asking for too much?
—Mary Poppins Is Pooped
Dear Mary Poppins,
You’re so full of dreams and hopes, which is heartening. But working your current three-job situation, it’s no wonder you’re too exhausted to think about a new career, which is a job in and of itself.
I have a couple of vague options for you, without knowing more about your skills and location. Consider if you can use your in-demand nannying skills to create stepping stones into a new career. Many nannies negotiate education benefits as part of their work perks. Suppose a less physically demanding field might be a good fit for your humor and people skills (like work-from-home customer support or sales representative). In that case, a few classes at community college, at your employer’s expense, might give you the confidence to apply in a new field. Many community colleges also have career exploration classes that will help you structure your job search.
If you want to pursue your performance work more, consider looking for a high-paying nannying gig with a client with performance industry connections. You bring a lot to the table as an experienced nanny, so don’t sell yourself short. Office software can be taught, but people skills and patience are innate soft skills that transfer to most industries.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My spouse and I are moving back to a large city in the summer, after completing a fellowship. We have ties to this city and I know the general areas I would want to live in that would place our child in a decent school district. I work remotely so commuting isn’t much of an issue for me. However, my spouse received a job offer in a town that is at least 40 minutes from the nearest favored school district. As we plan on moving back, we are at odds as to whether to buy a house or keep renting (we both hate renting and having to move constantly). My spouse feels that we should delay home purchases for nine months so that they can feel out their job fit and hope interest rates fall. I feel that it’s a waste to pour more money into rentals and interest rates will stay high. We both have the option of traveling back to this city to view homes and I have saved enough for a 5 percent down payment on a starter home. What should we do?
—Let’s Settle Down Now!
Dear Settle Down,
It’s unlikely interest rates will fall much in the next nine months, according to Federal Reserve Chairmen Jerome Powell. But waiting to feel out how a job fits is a good reason to delay buying a home—houses are costly purchases if the situation turns out to be short-term. While you don’t get back the money you spend on rent, you also won’t get back any money you spend on closing costs and broker’s fees. Just one more year of renting in your new city will give both of you confidence that the move is permanent, and the commute is manageable before you make a very expensive mistake.
—Lillian
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