Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m a 21-year-old college student going on a spring break trip with my boyfriend to Florida. I planned this trip, and I’m paying for the majority of it. My boyfriend could afford to split the expenses, but he said he wouldn’t go if he had to pay, so I decided to take on the burden.
Now I’m cash-strapped. Recently he said he would take me out on a date, as midterms have been stressing me out. Usually, our dates are split 50/50, but because of how cash-strapped I am, I was hoping he would pay for the date. He clarified he would not be. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to pay for this one date, considering how much I’m shelling out for our vacation?
—Feeling Cheated
Dear Feeling Cheated,
You just shelled out how much for a vacation, and he refuses to buy you a meal? Boy, bye.
No, it’s not unreasonable to expect him to pay for a full date occasionally, especially when you’re in a tough spot. When it comes to being in a relationship, think of yourself as a team. Teammates cover each other from time to time because they have the same end goal. In this case, that goal is a healthy relationship. If he can’t understand that, he’s not a great teammate.
But it also sounds like you paid for a trip you couldn’t afford, which worries me. Vacations are a luxury and they shouldn’t be purchased if they’re going to leave you in a tough spot with your finances. You also spent money on someone who sounds like they didn’t want to go on the trip in the first place, which has only added to the strain you’re currently feeling.
I’d check to see if you can get a refund on your trip and, if you can, cancel it. I’d also get ready to have a conversation with him about how you feel and the future role money will play in your relationship. Try saying, “I understand that we currently go Dutch in our relationship, but I’d like to discuss how we should handle our money moving forward.” This way, you can talk about how you’d both like to handle future dates, vacations, and other activities you may do as a couple.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
Two years ago, I bought a house with a 3.125 percent mortgage which allowed me to buy a nicer place than I thought I could ever afford with a lower monthly payment than my previous condo. My problem is that my city recently passed a law allowing them to raise property taxes every year. So guess what they’re doing? That’s right, raising my property taxes every year. After this year, I will no longer be able to afford the taxes, so I was planning on putting the house on the market either this fall or next spring. Recently, I read an article saying that if you have a low-interest rate mortgage (in the 3 percent range) you’re a fool to ever sell and should be using the property as an investment and renting it out. I think with the size of my house I could rent it for enough to cover the mortgage and taxes, but I’ve heard so many horror stories about being a landlord (tenants moving in then stop paying rent after the first month, trashing the place, using the property for illegal activities, etc.) that I’m not sure it’s worth the risk. Am I a fool to sell? How do landlords deal with the huge risks involved with renting a property?
—Should I Be a Landlord?
Dear Should I Be A Landlord,
It sounds like this house was your dream, and I would hate for you to give it up so early. With current mortgage rates averaging around 6 percent, yes, it would be smart to keep your home. But being a landlord is definitely not for everyone. For more insight into your letter, I contacted Tom Brickman from The Frugal Gay.
Brickman, who himself rents out 22 properties, admits that being a landlord can be great for wealth building. But it can also be time-consuming, emotional, and expensive. Before taking that route, it might be worth looking into whether there are other ways you can cover your additional expenses. Brickman’s first suggestion is to explore services that can dispute property taxes for you. “Some companies do it at no cost to you and they get a percentage of what they save you once approved,” he shared.
If this doesn’t work out in your favor, you can try to generate extra income from your home via house hacking. That might look like taking on a roommate, renting a spare room out as a short-term rental, or renting out space like a garage. “I typically encourage clients to explore ways to generate more income. If house hacking doesn’t work, what would you enjoy doing?” Brickman said. Maybe you try to fill that gap in income by becoming a ride-share driver, delivering food, pet-sitting, or shopping for others. All of these ideas can be done on your own time without affecting your current work schedule.
In the meantime, you can do some searching into your state’s obligations to become a landlord as well as any rules and regulations you’d need to follow. After you’ve done all the legwork, then weigh all your options.
Dear Pay Dirt,
I (45F) make significantly more money (over three times) than my boyfriend (40M) and have far more assets than him. Between retirement accounts, investments, and my house, I likely have over a million in assets (after my debts are paid). I want to change my will to include him (50/50 split with my sibling, who will be the executor), but I have a lot of concerns that he will not know how to handle a sudden windfall if the worst happens. His retirement account was only set up this year because I made him, he has little to no savings or other assets. He has no financial savvy and seems disinclined to learn. I know I can’t control him, but I worry if I do this, it might be more harm than good. How do I set him up for a possible windfall so that he makes smart money moves (like funding a retirement account, investing it, or otherwise saving most of it for his future)?
—Planning the Future
Dear Planning the Future,
While you can’t ensure he’ll be 100 percent responsible if he inherits your assets, you can help him get there by setting up a spendthrift trust. This kind of trust includes a spendthrift clause or provision that enables the trust to be the sole owner of your assets, rather than your beneficiary. Your boyfriend would still receive the assets within the trust, but over a time and schedule you set to protect him from spending it all at once. If he receives smaller amounts over time, he’s more likely to practice better money management than if given a large windfall all at once. You can also set aside money for specific scenarios, like receiving an additional amount during certain milestones or emergencies.
The next step toward planning for your future would be to meet with an estate attorney to see if this trust will work for you and your overall estate. They can also help you set up as many stipulations as you want that the beneficiary must follow before receiving this cash. It wouldn’t hurt to have a conversation with your boyfriend running through a hypothetical scenario like the one in your letter where you pass away before he does. This will help you get a read on how you should discuss your plans for your estate in the future.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My wife is self-employed, running a “health coaching” business online. She’s made a ton of LinkedIn contacts and does webinars and marketing but it’s not making any money, or very little when it comes in. GBP£10,000 last year. Not a lot. She keeps wanting money from me for a marketing course: £2,000 here, £3,000 there. I earn a reasonable wage but this is damaging: We can’t save up for a deposit (we still rent, even in our 40s). We haven’t been on a proper holiday in years. She gets upset when I say, “No—no more courses.” I feel broken and like walking out of this marriage. What should I do? She stubbornly refuses to look for work, even part-time and remote. I feel resentful and depressed.
—Broken In the Cotswolds
Dear Broken,
I hear your frustration. It’s a fine line between believing in your spouse’s business and allowing it to ruin your family’s finances. Being a small business owner is doing more harm than good right now, and it’s definitely out of line for her to get upset about you not wanting to invest in something that feels like a dead end. If she genuinely wants to take those courses, she should figure out how to pay for them from what she makes off of her coaching business.
Refusing to work and manipulating you into spending money you’re uncomfortable with can certainly be signs of financial abuse. Read a little about it. Financial abuse can manifest in numerous ways, even if some situations may seem much more severe than others.
You say you’re feeling resentful and depressed—I would suggest meeting with a therapist alone to help you sort through everything that you’ve experienced and/or are currently experiencing. Therapy can help you understand the situation and determine what you need to do to put your health and financial well-being first. You might also want to try getting your wife to attend marriage counseling with you. In a space like this, you’ll be able to share how her dogged pursuit of a failing business is negatively impacting you and your family. And if you do decide to walk away from the marriage, a divorce attorney will help you know your options. You’ll want to ask questions about protecting your assets such as retirement funds, who’s responsible for debt incurred during your marriage, and if you’ll need to provide any spousal support.
—Athena
Classic Prudie
I have two daughters, 27-year-old “Lilah” and 20-year-old “Lisa.” Lilah dated “Andrew,” 29, for four years. She was gutted when he broke up with her last year. Lisa recently confessed that she ran into Andrew at a bar, they reconnected, and they’re falling in love. Lisa wants help telling Lilah about their romance.
