Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Lillian, Athena, and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My fiancé and I talked about finances before he moved in and agreed he would pay half of the groceries and share the tab when we go out. We’re both middle-aged and divorced, with no kids. He moved into my house, so I was already covering all the other housing expenses (and it didn’t seem fair to ask him to contribute to a mortgage that’s not in his name). But we have a significant disparity in resources: I have a nest egg in savings from a business that I sold and he’s finishing his Ph.D. and says he feels like he’s drowning in student debt. We share the household chores (also agreed upon when he moved in).
I’m happily shouldering most of the expenses, but I do want him to chip in for food. He feels like we’re partners and should combine finances and that he shouldn’t have to pay for groceries because he doesn’t make any money and our financial contributions should be proportional to our resources. He says he feels that he’s drowning financially and needs me to give him a life raft, which makes me feel very sad. We are very much in love and get along otherwise. I agree I should pay the lion’s share of living expenses and I’m happy to treat when we go on a trip or out to a fancy dinner. I’d just like him to contribute sometimes. I’m not prepared to take on a dependent. He cites the housewife paradigm and asserts that if our genders were reversed, there would be no problem with me paying for everything. We’re both feminists, but my brand of feminism exhorts financial independence!
We’ve discussed this in therapy and he’s begrudgingly agreed to pay half of the groceries. But we are both still entrenched in our camps. He thinks that I should pay for everything. I think he should pay for some of the food he eats. How do we find a middle ground?
—Hungry for an Answer
Dear Hungry for an Answer,
Being a feminist doesn’t mean you have to financially support your boyfriend. I’m assuming prior to moving in with you, he had to pay for his own living expenses. So where is his money going now, and why does he feel that it’s OK to take advantage of your generosity?
Getting a Ph.D. is expensive, and he knew what he was signing up for. I know, personally, that student loan debt is awful. But he decided to attend this program, and he knew what the financial costs would be. It’s not your fault that he is in student loan debt, nor is it your problem that he’s not making any money. The fact that he expects you to pay all his bills when that wasn’t what you agreed on, along with his tactics for guilting you into doing so, is concerning. You’re not an ATM.
Decide what boundary you want to set with him and go over it during your next couples therapy appointment. Maybe you’ll settle on him paying for half of the groceries as you’ve talked about. Maybe you’d like him to consider getting a part-time job or side gig to help contribute. Perhaps you decide on some combination of these things and you both agree not to continue rehashing the issue for now. Your therapist can walk both of you through this and hopefully, you’ll come to an agreement that he fulfills. Either way, stick to what you set. The way he’s approaching this conversation is unhealthy and needs to stop.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My very generous parents gave me money for a down payment for a house last summer. I’m not in any rush to buy, and with interest rates as high as they are right now, I don’t see myself purchasing a home any time soon—probably not for another year. Right now the money is just sitting in my savings account, earning next to nothing in interest. What should I do with it until I’m ready to buy that will earn me more, but not risk losing any of the principal?
—The Waiting Game
Dear Waiting Game,
You can invest the money without losing your initial deposit in a couple of ways. One is to look for a high-yield savings account (HYSA). This is always my first recommendation because your money remains liquid and you can access it without being hit with a fee. Currently, HYSAs are seeing some of the best rates due to changes made by the Federal Reserve to help beat inflation. And some banks can offer higher rates because they are solely operating online without having to incur the additional costs of running brick motor stores. Lending Club is currently offering a 4 percent rate and Marcus by Goldman Sachs is offering 3.75 percent.
You mentioned you won’t be purchasing a home for at least another year, so another great option is a certificate of deposit, which is a savings vehicle that allows you to earn interest on your principal. These are different from HYSAs because you must keep the money invested for a set term, usually around 12-16 months. CDs tend to have a higher interest rate as an incentive to keep you from touching your money. But your financial institution may charge fees if you withdraw early.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My three sisters and I have been traveling together for decades. We love our sister trips together. My sister, “Molly,” got out miserable relationship last year so we all made plans to take her on our dime to New Orleans this summer. Molly was very happy at first. Then she met “Dan” at the gym. Dan moved in the next week and they are joined at the hip. Dan seems nice enough. Twice divorced but runs his own business. His kids like Molly well enough. Molly wants Dan to come and us to pay. It is weird and borderline insulting. This is a sister trip. It is sacred. We have canceled and rearranged before kids, work, etc. My other sisters and I talked and we agreed Dan can’t come, but we would give Molly some money so they could do a couple’s trip instead.
Molly is upset. She wants to see New Orleans and for us to meet the new love of her life. I told Molly the rest of us are not comfortable with that. We sacrificed to treat her to this trip and adding her new boyfriend and expecting us to pay for him is a bit much. Molly is no longer talking to me and fighting with our other sisters. I am exhausted and hurt. I love Molly and understand she has love goggles on, but come on? Should I cancel our reservations now? We don’t want to lose our deposits.
—Sister Trip
Dear Sister Trip,
You’re absolutely right that Dan seeing New Orleans on your dime is a bit too much. No one is stopping Molly from throwing beads on Bourbon Street except herself.
It’s insulting that she wants to take advantage of the kindness you and your other sisters have shown her. She wants you all to meet him, which is understandable. But besides wanting him to invade sister time, it reeks of entitlement to think her sisters should pay for Dan to tag along just because you all offered to pay for her.
Don’t cancel your trip. Instead, go on your vacation and enjoy yourselves without her. She could have been there instead of seeing it all over Instagram but that’s her own fault. I also wouldn’t offer to give her money to go on her own trip. Her initial misery is the reason you all were going in the first place—but she’s since found the love of her life… Let him charge it to his business instead.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I both come from families where we got no financial training. We have a family business and are doing well, so don’t have day-to-day budget questions. but we constantly feel like we have no idea how to make longer-term financial decisions. Things like: the ideal mortgage size, whether to buy or lease a car, and whether to get long-term care insurance in our 50s or later. When we try to find advice all we ever get are “financial advisors” who specialize in retirement planning which consists of setting a budget and investing your money. We understand to max out retirement accounts, and we’re basically counting on that to sort out itself. That is, if we do things right now. But none of the people we’ve interviewed seem to even understand the request. Is there a kind of financial person who specializes in this sort of coaching? Are we just searching under the wrong name?
—I Need Advice for the Present
Dear the Present,
As a fellow business owner, I get it. It’s hard to plan long-term due to cash flow and what you’ll really be able to afford. Your financial advisor should be doing more than just saying go on a budget and investments. They should also be helping you with different types of insurance as well as the other issues you pose. I’d say keep interviewing advisors, do your research on their backgrounds, and ask friends and acquaintances if they have any recommendations for folks to reach out to.
If you’re looking for a change of pace, try hiring a financial coach. One coach who I personally recommend and know is Lynnette Khalfani-Cox, The Money Coach. But there are plenty out there and they might give you some of the more general financial advice you’re looking for.
If you do go with a financial coach, do your research on their background and credentials. You don’t need either to legally advertise yourself as one, but having a proven financial background is key to making sure you’re getting reliable help.
—Athena
Classic Prudie
I have been married to my husband for 17 long years. I quit working when our second child was a year-and-a-half old. We now have four children and three of them have special needs. I have tried to return to work for the past six years but have been unable to get a job that would pay for child care. I have a master’s degree, but it has not helped me find gainful employment after such a long time as a stay-at-home parent. I want to leave my husband; I cannot.
