Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My boyfriend and I are in very different economic situations—I have an office job making just under six figures, and he gets paid weekly in physical cash. I don’t have any fundamental issues with this and I don’t believe that working for a small business has any less inherent worth than my data crunching job, but some of the effects of the details are becoming an issue.
Because he doesn’t have a credit card, any time we decide to order delivery or buy tickets to an event, it has to be on me, since I’m the only one who can place the online order. (I’ll usually get paid back eventually, but it’s still a charge on my statement,) He also has put off buying several important, necessary things that he has the money to spend on because he lacks the funds available digitally to purchase things online. While I’m tempted to say the solution is to help him open up a credit card, or at least a debit card at a local bank where he can physically deposit his pay, he has ADHD that sometimes leads to impulsive decisions and I know that easily available money that isn’t “real” could be a dangerous combo with that. How do I get out of being the designated “person with a credit card” while also helping them build good habits without overstepping?
—Cash or Card?
Dear Cash or Card,
Life is very difficult to navigate without a bank account, especially a debit card, so I’m fairly impressed he’s been able to do this. As someone with ADHD, I can also see why having access to a debit card might influence his spending since the money doesn’t seem “real.” However, this is a money management issue that affects many people, not just those with ADHD. It’s not up to you to help him open a credit card, but you can direct him to a site like Experian— where he can find guides on how to access credit responsibly—when you bring this up to him. (I have worked with Experian in the past.) That’s the next step. You need to have a conversation with him one-on-one.
As you get more comfortable in a relationship, you start to realize what is no longer working. Explain that as you continue to get serious, you would like to start taking turns purchasing items that require a card so neither one of you has multiple purchases to keep track of. You can direct him to websites that offer solutions and tips for money management as a person with ADHD. Money is one of the key reasons listed for divorce, so it’s better to encourage him to get his finances in order now. He can still utilize a cash budget but having access to a checking account will be more beneficial than he realizes in the long run.
Dear Pay Dirt,
I am just finishing a science PhD program and will start a new position as a postdoctoral researcher on the other side of the country in a couple of months. My income will be nearly doubling, but so will at least some of my expenses; I’ll be getting a car for the first time, and I expect I’ll be paying much more than my current rent.
I am incredibly privileged to have no student loans or other debt, and between general frugality and not feeling like I have the time to go out and do very much outside of the lab, I have been living well below my means as a graduate student. I have been putting the maximum amount in a Roth IRA for the last five years and sending a smaller amount monthly to a separate investment account with pretty boring investments (ETFs). I check my bank account once or twice a month, and a few times a year I’ll track my income and expenses to make sure I have more money coming in than going out, but I haven’t needed to strictly budget.
The new job and the move have me re-evaluating what want to spend money on, and there are so many decisions to make! I want to keep living below my means, but I also want to build a bit more of a social life. But even going for a hike costs something (gas, park permits, etc.). Do I just keep going with my IRA, or should I start contributing to the employer-matched retirement plan when I become eligible? Should I be doing something different with my investments? Can I keep going with my current expense-tracking method, or should I start monitoring my spending more closely? I worry a lot more than I probably should about money, given that it has never really been an issue for me, but the U.S. has such a poor social safety net and there are so many possible future expenses that it seems like the only safe thing to do is to save as much as possible.
—New Start, Same worries
Dear New Start,
Even when we’re doing well, we sometimes think we’re doing poorly. It’s just our conditioning, and it happens a lot with our relationship with money. You’re actually doing great so take a moment to sit with that and give yourself the credit you deserve.
If your employer offers a 401(k) option, take advantage of it. Many employers offer a match, and even if they don’t, this is still another good avenue for retirement saving along with your IRA. Take advantage of as much as you can when it comes to compound interest. Still continue to invest in your EFTs, and just check the market from time to time to make sure you’re on track with any investing goals you’ve set for yourself.
Your current system for tracking your cash seems to be going well, so I’d continue on but consider giving yourself room in your budget for fun. Even if it’s $100 a month, spend money treating yourself. Give yourself the money to go for hikes, try new restaurants, and check out your new city. Life is short so let yourself live a little. You’ll be grateful that you did.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I are in our early 40s and have a 1-year-old child. I have a pretty stable career and income and he does too. We are solidly middle class. The issue is that he wants to quit his job as a social worker and become a therapist in private practice (he is a licensed social worker already, so this wouldn’t require any additional education).
At first, I was incredibly resistant to the idea. In my view, you just don’t give up a steady paycheck, no matter how unhappy the work makes you. But he’s so unhappy, stressed out, and just emotionally exhausted from working with the population he works with. I’ve done the research and I believe that he can be successful in private practice. Everyone we’ve spoken to says that therapists are in big demand, so we don’t think he’ll have problems getting clients. Not only that, but he has the potential to make much more money! We have some money coming in. More than enough to keep us afloat for a year while he gets his practice off the ground.
But his parents are decidedly NOT on board. They argue that we should use the money as a down payment for a house and he should try this in four or five years when our child is older. Honestly, they are acting as if we said we wanted to put all our money into cryptocurrency or essential oils. I think now is the best time: We are very stable (if a little squished) in our two-bedroom city condo. We have the condo mortgage and one car and car note; I carry everyone on my work insurance, so we’re not going to lose any health coverage. If we bought a house in the suburbs we would have to buy another car (two car notes), plus we’d have a higher mortgage and other expenses related to house upkeep.
Our situation is such that if we lived like monks and stopped saving we could even conceivably survive on just my income while he started his practice. We have zero chance of being able to afford this change later with the higher expenses of a house and two cars, and kids don’t get less expensive as they get older. If he doesn’t try it now, he’s pretty much never going to be able to. We think we can be on pace to continue saving for a house in a year or so and will be able to buy one before our child starts kindergarten, which was always at the long end of our timeline. Our financial planner is on board with this plan and can help us get things even better situated to make this leap. Are my husband and I wrong? Is this a horrible idea?
—It’s Self-Employment, Not Entrepreneurship!
Dear Self-Employment,
Bless your in-laws and their over-controlling hearts. They are trying hard to ensure that there is no financial ruin, yet they do not understand self-employment and how it works. If you both were struggling and living paycheck to paycheck with no savings or a plan, I would say hell no, don’t do that. But you’re not. You have adequate savings, have health insurance mapped out, and you’ve agreed to keep living below your means. You are right when you say now is the time to try this change because it’s not going to get easier.
Every state has different requirements and licensing when it comes to practicing as an individual, such as needing malpractice insurance so make sure he’s ready to go on that front. Also, look to see if he needs to register as an LLC to keep your assets away from his business in case something happens. Check in with your financial planner and follow their recommendations. And last but not least, kindly thank your in-laws for their advice but express it’s already been handled. If they continue to pry, your husband can use some of his social work superpowers to set and enforce healthy boundaries.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I are planning a move next year at the end of a contract, and we’re having trouble comparing offers in different cities. He is the primary breadwinner and is interviewing for jobs in multiple cities, all of which have a higher cost of living than our current city. I work remotely for a good salary, and I will keep my job when we move (my boss is on board). What we’re struggling with is how to weigh different salaries/benefits from different offers when the costs of living are different between the cities. A mortgage is easy to gauge using Zillow, but I assume spending on daily things will also go up. Is there a way to estimate this? He currently has two job offers that look drastically different on paper, but the higher one is in a much more expensive area and we’re struggling to figure out how to compare. We save plenty and live within our means but we don’t track our daily spending, so that’s not helping. Do you have any suggestions?
—Planning Our Escape
Dear Planning Your Escape,
I agree that Zillow isn’t always the best way to price a new city. There are other factors beyond housing to consider when moving to a new place, such as groceries, utilities, public transportation, etc. Check out this cost of living calculator by Nerd Wallet. You can type in what city you currently reside in and how much you make, and select a city you’d like to compare. Nerd Wallet will then shoot out the comparable income along with an explanation for costs such as food, school, and health care. It’s a really cool tool that will help you price out his offers without jumping into the unknown.
If this tool isn’t what you’re looking for, you can always go the paper and pencil route. Look back at your spending for a month and roughly calculate how much you spent on aspects like transportation, and do some research on how that might compare in a new city. You can also do things like open an Instacart account and then price shopping trips in your current city and the potential one. This way you can see (very roughly, remember Instacart sometimes upcharges) how much the same items cost to also get an idea.
I’m excited for you and your new journey!
—Athena
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My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and we have two elementary-age kids. A few months ago, I discovered, by accident, that my spouse had long been out of work and had hidden this from me (including lying when I asked specific questions). He had secretly opened multiple credit cards (bills only came to his email) and incurred over $100,000 in debt. It’s unclear where the money went.
