An Application For the Wall Street Journal’s Mansion Reporter Position

The Palace of Congresses, where the G20 summit is taking place in St. Petersburg, can accommodate heads of state or serve as as a summer home for a hedge fund manager’s family.

Photo by Guneev Sergey/RIA Novosti via Getty Images

To whom it may concern:

When I was in journalism school, I yearned to tell the stories of the day that affect everyday people and hold the powerful accountable. That’s why I was so excited today when I saw the Wall Street Journal’s job posting for a Mansion Reporter. Reporting on the high-end residential real estate market, I would speak up for hard-working taxpayers and speak truth to special interests, including the landscape architects’ cabal, the nannies’ union, and of course, the all-powerful butlers’ lobby.


The parallels between the Wall Street Journal’s coverage and my personal experience are undeniable. You profiled a Kentucky billionaire who owns more than a million acres of land; I happen to be an expert on Kentucky’s finest export, Jim Beam. You covered Larry Ellison’s purchase of a Hawaiian island; I once vacationed on an island—Washington Island, near the white sand beaches of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. You’ve given readers an in-depth analysis of the housing market for college football coaches; in college, I lived in the very same city where my college football coach also, presumably, resided.

My qualifications go on: I’m not afraid to tell uncomfortable truths about Jacuzzi hygiene and maintenance. I’ve watched Dave Chappelle’s spoof of MTV’s Cribs at least five times. And though I’m not located in the New York City area, I would happily relocate—given, naturally, that the accommodations match my beat. I look forward to hearing from you.


Emma “Neck Filled With Mansions” Roller