U Better Sell

Reader suggestions for renaming UBS.

Read more about Wall Street’s ongoing crisis.

In yesterday’s column on the plight of Swiss bank UBS, I asked readers to submit more apt definitions for the bank’s acronymic name, which stands for Union Bank of Switzerland. And respond they did, with dozens of entries. Slate’s crack Acronym Sorting Squad waded through the submissions and is pleased to announce the winners of the 2008 UBS Alternate Naming Contest:

Most popular (and said to be commonly used on Wall Street):

U Be Screwed

Best uses of “U” as a pronoun:

U Been Swindled
U Better Sell
U Bought Schlock

Most obvious uses of UBS’s last two letters for the barnyard epithet:

Underwater Bulls***
Unadulterated Bulls***
Unrepentant Bulls*** Spreaders
Ubiquitous Bulls*** Shills


Unregulated Banking Sucks (the Life out of an Economy)

Best uses of “ululating”:

Ululating Bunglers Swoon
Ululating Bray of Shame

Best German wordplay:

Uber-Botching Systems
Uber-Busted Stake

Best English wordplay:

UBS is what the company looks like after being thrown under the B-U-S.

Most concise encapsulation of UBS’s woes:

Unhedged Bets. Shoot!

Most apt descriptions of UBS’s business practices:

Ultimate Bumbling Securitizers
Untimely Buying Subprime
Unbelievably Bad Supervision
Underwriters of Bogus Switcheroos
Unscrupulous Brokers Society
Ultimate Banking Stupidity
Unusually Bad Standards
Users’ Bullion Squandered

Most hyperbolic moral condemnations:

Unforgiven Banking Scumbags
United Bankrupt Swindlers
Underhanded Baksheesh Scallywags
Universally Broke Shills
Union of Barbaric Swine

Best generalizations from the particular:

Unconscionable Banking System
Umpteenth Banking Scandal
Ugly Burgeoning Stain
Unending Bonanza of Stupidity
Uppity Bankers Shame

Best admonition for future investors:

Use Better Sense