You Know The Donald …

Now meet The Donny.

The Other Donald

One law of the tabloid universe is that any given niche can be occupied by one—and only one—celebrity. The Austrian-born movie-star governor? Arnold has it covered.

But now New York City is suffering a celebrity traffic jam. The blowhard, narcissistic, tough-talking, celebrity businessman-turned-media-creature with monosyllabic Germanic last name—a spot owned by Donald Trump for 20 years—is now being shared. It is Trump’s own fault. Trump may be trying to groom Martha Stewart, but his real apprentice is adman Donny Deutsch. Dopplegänger Deutsch parlayed appearances on the first season of The Apprentice into a talk show and now a book, Often Wrong, Never in Doubt. To clear up confusion, Slatehas prepared a handbook to help fans distinguish between The Donald and The Donny.

Rich, distinguished, low-key father who helped brash son get started in the business:
The Donald: bigtime developer Fred Trump.
The Donny: bigtime adman David Deutsch.

Queens, N.Y., neighborhood in which mogul was raised:
The Donald: Jamaica Estates.
The Donny: Hollis Hills.

Year graduated from University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business:
The Donald: 1968.
The Donny:  1979.

Trademark narcissistic behavior:
The Donald: putting his name on phallic skyscrapers.
The Donny: checking himself out in mirrors.

Primetime show on NBC-owned network with disappointing ratings:
The Donald: The Apprentice 4, on NBC.
The Donny: The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch, on CNBC.

Inappropriate behavior on set:
The Donald: ogling young hotties in the boardroom.
The Donny: leering at porn-star Jenna Jamison.

Number of divorces:
The Donald: two.
The Donny: one, and one separation.

Fashion faux pas:
The Donald: ‘80s-vintage power suits, massive cuff links.
The Donny: muscle T-shirts.

Mainstream journalist debunking the myth:
The Donald: Timothy O’Brien of the New York Times, with just-published TrumpNation.
The Donny:
Devin Leonard of Fortune, with just-published column. (Bonus, Steve Fishman’s New York profile.)

Eponymous business that withered as he played media bigshot:
The Donald: Trump Hotels and Casino Resorts filed for Chapter 11 in August 2004.
The Donny: Ad agency Deutsch, Inc. has lost blue-chip clients Bank of America, Revlon, and Mitsubishi so far this year.

Uncouth mogul-like behavior:
The Donald: smoking cigars, swearing.
The Donny: smoking cigars, swearing.

Delusional political ambition:
The Donald: Remember the Trump presidential boomlet?
The Donny: “I really believe I’ll be mayor of New York someday,” he told Fortune.

View on the fairer sex in the workplace:
The Donald: “It’s all about the babes.” (Quoted by Deutsch in Often Wrong, Never in Doubt)
The Donny: “I don’t think there’s been a day in my business career when there hasn’t been some woman at work that I fantasized about.”

Number of times mentioned in the other guy’s latest book:
The Donald is mentioned twice in Deutsch’s Often Wrong, Never in Doubt.
The Donny is not mentioned in TrumpNation.

Brilliant epigrammatic end to latest book:
The Donald: “Have you heard about my suits? Have you? They’re through the roof. Through. The. Roof.”
The Donny: “What the fuck do I know?”